Vampire Blues

Love and Pain (AKA Vampire) Edvard Munch

I think that, quite possibly, I want to be a vampire. No, no, nein, NOT for that living forever shit, no. The idea of eternal, earthly life is interesting, intriguing, fascinating but NOT if I can't ever eat carrot cake, spumoni gelato and dark chocolate covered almonds again. Only able to drink blood? Ewwwwwwww! Nope. Fuck that shit.

What I like is that they’re extra special strong, fast AND heal their wounds mega quickly.

After my brain dead furniture moving and elliptical overdoing, I was, pretty much, down for the count for THREE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING DAYS! I was popping ibuprofen, icing my shoulder, arm, wrist, hand, head – hells bells, I should’ve just climbed into the freezer and popsicled myself.

Yeah, I still went to the Y (but with a modified work out), got my errands done (most of ‘em anyway), went to the MFA and made it to my “annual” optometry exam. A metric ton of whining and kvetching accompanied all my efforts though.

An aside – considering that the reality of my annual optometry exam is more along the lines of once every three, four years, I decided to go big this time. OK….less small. Instead of getting the script and going online to Zenni, I ordered a pair of specs at the optometrist office/store (For Eyes). Why? Because then there’s a pro, versus spazoid moi, measuring my pupillary distance AND I can have that same pro make sure the fit is right. I don’t have to fiddle with teeny tiny screwdrivers. Plus, if I sit on my blinkers (inevitable), I can take them back to the store for repair.

Yes, more expensive BUT, for yurs truly, it's worth it.

Back to my plans to grow up to be a red juice slurping demon though, apparently there’s a flavor of bloodsucker known as an Energy Vampire. They can use other people’s powers as their own (but only when they’re in contact with the person). Think about this – how magnificently awesome would this be?

Yvonne De Carlo as Lily Munster

If I was an energy vampire, as long as I was out with Joe, I could dance all night. Probably for days on end too. Dude’s got more dynamism than a marathoner on Beauties.

If I was with Lily, I would be more calm, diplomatic and persuasive than JFK and FDR combined!

If I was with Steve and Elaine or my sister Celeste, I’d be smarter than anyone EVAH!

While with Jen, I’d have emotional buoyancy, mondo compassion and boatloads of wise imperturbability.

I could go on but you get the picture, eh?

I’m also partial to that looking young, being healthy, hearing and gorgeous forever thing. Mind you, I would’ve had to have been vampirized at 21 versus now AND, while cute as the dickens (and thin!) back then, me and gorgeous were never on speaking terms. My luck I’d get bit in the neck now and be a late middle aged, chubby thing until the earth explodes.

OK, never mind.

Neil Young – Vampire Blues