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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Not One of My Better Days

Yesterday I had a nearly transformational long walk. It was just three miles BUT I did that without balance nerves AND only one eye. I didn’t fall either, not even once, and I got from point A to point B in less than an hour.

Golf claps – c’mon, I deserve a thoroughly bodacious round of golf claps here!
Point A was Valhalla. Point B was the grotty little Chinese dive bar that Jen and I absolutely love. Some days the one true balm, the singular, most potent solution to the BIG sad is cheesebaggy “art,” veggie tempura and a lovely little merlot. All served up by the most awesome bartender. YES please!

What was Monday’s BIG sad about? Well, for starters IT WAS MONDAY fer fuck's sake!

The Amazing Bob died on a Monday, remember? It’s not like I try to be depressed on this first day of the week – his last on the planet. Nope, the infernal day sneaks up behind me while I’m working, cleaning or painting and clotheslines me – knocks me clean off me pins.

I was emptying the dishwasher, putting the bowls and mugs away, when one of them stopped me. Yes, this beautiful bowl stopped me in my tracks and said I was The Amazing Bob's. You served him baked haddock and brown rice in me.

And then I went out to fetch the mail. There was some FINAL NOTICE!!!!! subscription renewal bullshit thing, addressed to my beautiful man. Every time mail comes for him a little salt falls into the cracks of my heart. I get mail addressed to Mrs. Donna Grant too – more salt with a dash of vinegar. I didn't change my name when we got hitched and he didn't change his. We had the discussion and decided there was no need. Ok, first the talk got real silly but that was par for our usual course.

Seeing my name and his together is hard. This is due, in no small part, because when TAB was here and breathing, I'd bring in the mail and rant my sweet ta tas off. MY NAME IS MADERER! I have an identity all my own dammit! He'd crack a footlong smile, add a few more denunciations and invectives to the tirade and we'd end up laughing. Me and TAB, we laughed an awful lot.
My soulmate
The other half of me
Yang to my yin
PB to my J
He was all this and more. I continue to wonder – how is it possible that I exist but he doesn’t?

As if missing TAB wasn’t hard enough, I’m just sick to Hell and back of being all one eyed. That pirate patch? Yeah, cute as fuck but it’s sweaty and the string's annoying and I want my left peeper back now, today, RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!

You might think, I certainly did, oh, being half sighted for a week or two won't be so bad. I'll still have vision -- just won't be able to drive. Yeah, true enough but, without those precious balance nerves, my ability to stay upright and walk a meanderingly straight-ish line is dependent on my eyeball action. I could/would eventually adjust but it's not an overnight deal. No, it is not.


The left eye comes back tomorrow. TAB doesn’t. This is way fucked up and shit.

Clearly I’m overdo for a movie and swim day but the first of my summer MUST SEES doesn’t open until May 12th. I found another flick (open NOW!) that might well do the trick – Colossal.
Gloria (Anne Hathaway) drinks too hard and parties too much. Her boyfriend has enough of it and throws her out. Gloria returns to her hometown, dreaming of making a new start, but instead revives her childhood friendship with Oscar (Jason Sudeikis), who runs a bar. After drinking a night away with Oscar and his friends, he wakes up to discover a gigantic monster rampaging through Seoul and realizes that somehow the monster is connected to her.
Oh yeah, I’m there!


  1. I am fortunate enough to have (as of yet) never lost someone who was really important to me... well, except to breakups. I am, however, consistently touched by learning about the grieving process people go through.

    My favorite musician, Phil Elverum of the band Mount Eerie, released an album this year about losing his wife to cancer. "You still get mail" is one of the things he deems important enough to mention, too.

    I wish you the best with joining the world of the two-eyes soon!

    1. Thank you Harry, Thank you a lot.

  2. Hang in there kiddo, it doesn't get better but it does get easier.