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Sunday, August 6, 2017

A Few Annoyances

Wut? This is NOT what a selfie's supposed to look like?
How most of my selfie attempts turn out.
Because, you really wanted to know what, apart from the Criminal in Chief, has been bugging the shit outta me lately, right? RIGHT!?

1) The Selfie Obsessed

I’ve got an iPhone now. Turns out it wasn’t more expensive than my previous, no Internet or pic-snapping-capability tiny-phone. I can take selfies now but I suck Bantha wang at it. Just ask Coco.

Why take selfies at all? I guess I want a record of my princess’ fave resting spot – my neck. Why do others take selfies? I know that the on line sites – dating, MeetUps, book discussion, political commentary and more, all want to match our pics up with our blatherings. It makes everything more friendly-like. OK. Cool. I get it.

But, wut up with the folks who seem addicted to capturing their image? Fer instance, they're in line at the Caffeine-ateria and gotta hold up the line so's they can take a snap. They're at the Grand Canyon and more into getting a shot of themselves with that hole in the ground as a backdrop. The Blue Lagoon's just an opportunity for a bikini and steam shot, eh?

I used to work with a young woman who seemed to spend much of her off-gig time snapping shots of herself and then glossing them up in Photoshop. No. Fer reals. She was an attractive babe but too short to be a paid clothes hanger – maybe modeling was her fantasy job? We all have one. Mine? God. Of course.

2) People who seem to mistake their yards for posh putting greens truly annoy the ever livin’ fuck outta me. Got a great view and you just can’t bear to obstruct your picture window view? OK, I get it but, TELL ME, what is this asshole’s excuse (at right). Lovely house but it's on a major, big-ass intersection. It's hard to see beyond all the passing cars BUT there's def room to plant four (minimum!) future tall, magnificent oaks, pines or birches and yet, they don’t even have a privacy hedge. Do they care more about the pristine pool table-esque lawn than the intense noise levels and soot heavy car exhaust seeping into their pricey home?

“Turf has about as much value as asphalt to nature and to the ecosystem. But we need it if we’re going to play croquet or have a place to walk,” says Kathy Gates of Kansas City Native Plant Initiative.

I only mention it but I’ve never seen the folks who live in this cher shack playing croquet or so much as stepping out on their perfect, green front lawn.

Plant some damn trees fer fuck’s sake!

3) Authors writing about weed (the smokable kind) who have obviously never indulged and whose sole knowledge of it seems to come from watching Reefer Madness in high school health class.

Yup, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the not awful by any means but OOF horribly uneven Death of a Postmodernist by Janice Steinberg. She refers to smoke as a “mind-altering” drug – as though it’s in league with window pane or PCP or something. You know, a total gateway to violent, criminal behavior and shit.

One of the characters, Jill, could be SO guilty of murder because she does MARIJUANA and, don’cha know – coke, crystal meth, LSD, weed – they’re all alike. Right? RIGHT?!

The first time she trotted out the ill-informed Mary Jane’s a violent narcotic - an unspeakable scourge - The Real Public Enemy Number One crap, I thought brace yourself, the propaganda-is-my-god-Republicanizing’s just begun. Nope, she even worked in a coupla Reagan slams (this came out in ’95) later on. Huh. Guess she was just ignorant and unaware of her own benighted state. Too bad the book's editor didn't clue her in.

So, despite the fun, great cutting edge ArtWorld setting and descriptions, I won’t be picking up another of Steinberg’s books. Why not? Clumsy and obvious plot devices, occasional clunky sentence structure on top of her ignorant, this-chick-musta-been-homeschooled, marijuana nonsense.

Mystery novels are an escape. They should smoothly whisk me into another reality. Zoom! This one’s ride was more like a suspension-free commute down a deeply rutted country lane in a bottomed-out Chevy Vega. It was worth the three bones I paid for it but no more.


  1. Lawns are for people who can't grow food.

    1. But what about trees! (Yeah I have a wicked tree fetish -- perfection would be, living in a thick forest at the edge of an ocean or huge lake).

  2. Trees are awesome, as long as they don't block my view of the Cascades.

    The forests west of here can be... oppressive, more-so the closer to the coast. Though not so much as in my g'da's day, but a temperate rainforest: monster cedar, fir, redwood and spruce with a canopy that generates its own micro-weather events, the understory an impenetrable mass of vines and tanglewoods all of which have thorns and sharp.edges. Oft times not see the sky for days, or even weeks. Sort of a character, if I may, in Kesey's Sometimes a Great Notion, especially if you approach it as a book about Oregon, in particular the most rainforesty of the rainforest, rather than about an old logging family in Oregon.

    Out here in the pine and and juniper high desert forest that has been my home going on eight generations, though overgrown with weed species both indigenous and not just waiting to burn quite possibly from Mt Shasta to Southern Alaska, we have sky. Montana's sky is bigger, because the trees are shorter (true fact). So much sky, three hundred plus days of sky, going into our fourth week of nothing but hovering around triple digits sky. So much sky... it can be oppressive.

    We are, if it counts, on the shore (actually under) of what was once a sizable inland sea, varying in content from jurassic saltwater marshes to glacial runoffs, interspersed liberally over the past ninety million years by volcanic venting of lavas so hot they ran like water.

    Did I mention volcanos? There are seven volcanos out my office window. Trees are awesome, as long as they don't block my view of the Cascades 😎

    1. Wow. Thank you Thomas. I've read your words 3 or 4 times now. I love the picture you've painted.

      Jen, Oni and I are planning an Oregon vaca for next spring and, now, I just can NOT wait!

      The sky here on the Massachusetts shore is big (though not as vast and endless as yours, I'll bet) – even our tallest trees don't reach the height of the ones in Oregon.

      I've never seen the Cascades OR a volcano (just the volcano fields in Iceland) – your view sounds like wild magic.