Now What?

In the last dream before I woke, The Amazing Bob and I were walking down some tree-lined LA street. (why LA? Beats the shit outta me. I've never been to the town.)

I’d just come from some big marketeering type meeting where two different artist's lovely but not terribly interesting illustrations were being promoed and ballyhooed. I was bumming – why not feature MY paintings? Why is MY stuff never a first choice?!

I was drowning in self-doubt, frustration and mega sad bewilderment when TAB broke into my gloomy reverie with this – a proposal – would I marry him a second time. YES! He wasn’t trying to turn my bleak worldview around but, of course, he totally had. My frustrated, NO FAIRS, I'm-gonna-go-eat-worms dream had 180ed into a brilliantly joyous celebration. I felt loved and lovable once more AND, best of all, TAB was by my side.

This, in real life, was one of TAB’s bestest superpowers – love. His love was spring sunshine, tulip buds, warm from the oven, just frosted gingerbread cookies, a litter of kittens curled on my lap, a Miles Davis tune, a painting by Rothko, a thousand hours of sharp, belly aching laughter and joy. Being loved and appreciated by TAB was zooming, radiant flight – it was knowing I could fearlessly surf this crazy life.

He was patient and unfailingly kind. I could be (and have been) surrounded by steaming shit sandwiches but, with TAB’s incandescent love, I’d thrive, survive, grow and glow. This, THIS! His love was a brilliantly buoying, warm monster wave. The man was fabulously smart, canny, wise, creative, open-hearted and funny as all hell. Also too, a stone hottie.

I was so bloody lucky to have him in my life for 30 years.

I need to learn how to be my own luminous core.