I beg to disagree

 It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.
~ Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

This, by the by, is astronomical snot-twaddle. Not the “it’s hard to forget pain” part – it’s the rest of the quote. The scars for happiness and peace are indelibly etched into my brain pan. I just don’t see them when I look in the mirror. The Amazing Bob, Jen, Oni and Ten have left some motherfucking happy scars that will never fade (unlike that whopper on my back).

The first two TAB happy scars which come to mind are:

A) When we'd jsut moved in together and went grocery shopping for the first time. We were kids in a candy store – giggling the whole time as we placed too many boxes of cookies, silly decorative party napkins and other fun but decidedly unneeded bits into our shopping cart.

B) From our MOST untraditional, fun and hilarious wedding. I’d had such a huge internal battle about the whole damn marriage thing – I really liked living together and was keen on that being a forever and ever type thing. What I hated were all the 1950’s marital expectations that society and my mother had burned into my bean. It was only after a friend told me “It’s YOUR marriage – you make it whatever you want it to be. NOTHING about who you two are, together, needs to change.”

OH….DUH!

The poem TAB read at our awesome, living room wedding, me clad in my fave pajama top and painting pants, him in his favorite green button up demin shirt and jeans was Gregory Corso’s poem Marriage. A snippet:

And when the milkman comes leave him a note in the bottle
Penguin dust, bring me penguin dust, I want penguin dust-

As our world spun out of control, health and otherwise, we would say to each other Penguin Dust, I want penguin dust! We knew exactly what we meant. We spoke the same language.

Dr.s Jen and Coco sternly watch over me

My happy Jen scars continue being created. Right now, this morning, I’m feeling so fucking lucky for all she’s done over this past month for me. Ya know, it’s just a month and a couple days since my back surgery with its post op screaming pain. When she brought me home, she fed me pain pills on the regular, keeping track of how much I could take and when. She and Oni have cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for me daily. Without a hint of complaint or annoyance, she’s listened to me whine. Even after I got this giant rat bastard head-cold ON TOP OF my major surgery recovery. (Re: cold AND recovery, NO god, CLEARLY!)

Out of so many, one enormous peaceful, happy Oni scar immediately comes to mind. The night before surgery that was due to be sound/music stealing, (it wasn’t, I got a six year reprieve), Oni broke out his sax (he hadn’t played in years) and gave me a beautiful concert. Going into the OR, knowing that the odds of me coming out with hearing were slim to nonexistent, I had Oni’s tenor sax playing in my head – soothing me.

Though I’ve only recently met Ten, he’s already left some very happy and mega peaceful scars. I look forward to making more of those with him too. He arrives here in Valhalla, for a visit, in eight short days. (YIPPEE!!!!) By then, my damn cold will be no more than a lousy memory and I will have regained some strength.

So, Mr. Palahniuk, those scars for peaceful and happy – they may not be corporeal but they are every bit as real.