Texting While We Plague

Jen's tattoo which testifies to her eternal rightness

Jen's the manager of an essential biz so, yesterday when I hit a troublesome patch of insecurity, I texted her – interrupted her essentialism 'cause I'm all selfish and obnoxious like that. Ya know?

Me:
    I’m being exceptionally oversensitive today. ☹️

Jen:
    Ahhhhh , I think you are doing your best man, you are hanging in there like a super hero! Don't feel bad if you have a bad day or are feeling over sensitive! It's totally understandable with all the bullshit lately, all the fear/anxiety etc. We’re all in this together. I think we should pick a night to get takeout and watch a show! Not that that will solve anything but it will be fun.

Me:
    Yes, it would be fun.

We then discussed the spark for my ‘bout of oversensitivity. I was pretty sure I’d annoyed a friend with my, possibly, uncomfortable and indelicate questions. I was reading a LOT into something he said in a completely different convo. Jen, as uszh, set me straight with her impeccable wisdom. 

Naturally, I replied with:

Me:
    Sez u
    And how the fuck would u know
    And what’s THAT supposed to mean!
   
Jen:
    Sez me yah man!!!
    Cuz I know all AND I have a tattoo that sez so.
    And what's THAT supposed to mean back atcha!!!

Me:
    Ummmm, possibly this is where we devolve into childish name calling, such as:
    Yur such a dry twatini with a twist

Jen:
    You Poop Thumb!

Me:
    Oh, that’s a good one!

 A long series of random emojis ensued before we resumed our “insult” slam (like a poetry slam but WAY more silly and a LOT less elegant).

Me:
    Oh, I forgot....yur also a smegma covered pop tart!
    With sprinkles on top

Jen:
    Oh, AM I NOW????!!!
heh heh......
At least I'm not dragon toed cantaloupe fart!

Me:
    I thought dragon toes only farted glitter and raspberries – no?

Jen:
    You are thinking of the French synchronized swimmer dragon toes. They snort glitter and raspberries for lunch and fart them out during their shows. Quite entertaining for the chillins!

Me
    What about the Norwegian spelunking dragon toes? What do they poot?

Jen:
    They are famous for their braided mackerel farts which serve to further enhance the already bad air found in their favorite spelunking spots. It's a defensive gas emission to keep the tourists away.

Me:
    Oh, but...but... braided mackerels are SO tasty! Their winds can’t possibly be foul!

Jen:
    Glad you didn't ask about the pterodactyl toed goose tinkle farts.

Me:
    Ooooooo, what do THEY fart?

Jen:
    Most folks swear their farts taste like rotting egg soup, but true connoisseurs liken the flavor to a finely crisped tarantula nose!

Me:
    I LOVE tarantula nose! They’re simply divine with a light cilantro/jalapeño sauce and Prosecco.

Jen:
    Oh wow!!! Can you also sprinkle them on your poodle eggs or add them to your lava mist pear martini?

Me:
    Oh please! NO one does poodle eggs anymore – that’s SO last season! But...Lava Mist Martinis? I think Wendy whips up a batch of those every third Thursday in months with an umlaut.

Jen: 

     Are the poodle eggs just too foofy and hard to groom?
And, wow! Wendy is my lava mist hero!! I think the next month with an umlaut falls in between April and May! What was it called???

Me: 

     Oooo, SO close ! It’s März – March. And poodle eggs are heinously hard to groom. They do NOT sit still – it takes forEVAH!

Also, why are there no umlauts over any of the vowels in umlaut. That’s kinda strange don’cha think?