Thursday, April 11, 2013

Text Messages of the Damned

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”
-- Dorothy Parker
Jen and I have, possibly, a fairly unique array of pet names for each other. They come out most when we’re texting.

Yesterday, as we were attempting to sort out our post work rendezvous, was no exception.

Me: Meet at Froggy’s (AKA Frog and Peach, AKA Fox and Hound) later?

Jen: Sure. Tramp.

Me: What time do you think you can manage to haul your azz there. Skank.

Jen: Around 5:30. Ho.

Me: Who you callin’ Ho? You...you Tartlette.

Jen: You, ya dark hearted Trollop.

From there we spiraled further downward from our, obviously, sophisticated and intellectual banter. We plummeted into straight name calling.

Me: Twatini

Jen: (taking a rare break from abusing this poor scribe to actually convey info) Be there closer to 6. Sorry!!!

Me: Super bitch!

Jen: Jezebutt!!!

Me: Are u sayin I got a big butt??!!!

An excess of exclamation points and commas are completely necessary. They express our deep sincerity, elegance, wisdom and maturity. Duh.

Jen: Not big butt! Twat!!!

This, assuredly, could have gone on for days but she appeared on the bar stool to my right at the very moment I was hotly tapping in my scalpel witted, stinging, worthy-of-Dorothy-Parker reply.

And it woulda been scandaliciously sweet too!

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