Still

TAB and Jen

Most mornings I wake up and wonder Is this real? It can’t be – The Amazing Bob isn’t here. He’s gone, never coming back. How can this possibly be?

This, by the by, is way too fucked up for words. I wonder, How can this be real? This horror show kicks off and ends most days even now, one year and 129 days after the heinous fact.

I’m still  sorting out who I am – cerebrating, with a big side 'o' surprise, over the fact that I’m actually able to walk and breathe without my handsome other half. That’s a thing – partners often refer to one another as my other half or my better half. TAB was exactly that – my other, better half. We were a team – a fused, inextricable unit. I feel as though I'm missing half my being. I am.

On so many levels TAB and I were very different. I love travel/my man was a homebody. I liked bombastic music of nearly all genres/TAB was much more into subtle, softer tunes – jazz, classical and folk. He was tall and thin/I’m short with curves. He was chilled out and mellow/I'm more Pop Rocks with a Mountain Dew chaser. We were both solidly who we are – out of step with most of the crowd around us, a little wacky and AOK with that. We walked hand in hand down the Life is Art, Wonderment and Cookies Highway. We were both very serious and molto silly.

And he’s gone. I doubt I’ll ever get used to this.

Today is Veteran’s Day. We never paid it any mind even though TAB had done two tours with the Air Farce (as he dubbed it). At least one full tour was in Nam. After he came home, was honorably discharged with medals and a mondo ulcer that put him in the VA for months, he joined Vietnam Veterans Against the War. Apart from mentioning one of the protests he took part in he didn’t talk about the war. Ever. I look at today and think – DAMMIT!

Today is also the first day of le weekend and I’m so desperately happy (as happy as I get now, that is) about that. I don’t work a  9-5 Monday through Friday gig and, often as not, I’m putting hours in on Saturday and/or Sunday. Open slots appear on my dance card in the middle of the week – all a bit catch-as-catch-can. So why am I psyched at Saturday’s arrival? It means that Jen and Oni are home.This morning Jen’s young nephew Patrick will be over for a few hours. We’ll watch Monsters, Inc whilst quaffing hot chocolate and cookies. I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning.  Later, we’ll have our regular tea time (or Wochenende Teezeit – I SO love the German language!).

It’ll be a calm, amusing day. Yes, I’ll have to hit the gym and hit it hard but still, this will be a day that I can feel ok about, justified in doing nothing.