They say it's your birthday

Today is The Amazing Bob’s berfday. If he was still here, he’d be turning 76.

If he was still here we’d be hitting Saint Fratelli’s later this morning for a mondo gigante cake. TAB much preferred relatively bland gold or white cakes – angel food even. They were easier on his tum-tum which had been wrecked by an insane childhood and the horrors of Nam. On his birthday, he got whatever pastry he wanted. (OK, he did on most other days too. If ya can't spoil yur old man...well, what's left? I know...cats) Sometimes we’d go wild and get a Lemon Delight Cake.

Usually we’d wait to dig in to our mound of sugar heaven until after birthday dinner with “the kids” (Jen and Oni). Sometimes we just couldn’t wait. Honestly, who could blame us, hmmm?

Tonight I'll allow myself one slender slice 'o' cake. Ya know, for TAB!

Every night, for the past week, I’ve been dreaming of him and every night the story line’s the same or a continuation of the previous night’s performance. The basic deal is that TAB’s still alive. I'm, NATURALLY, thrilled down to the atomic level BUT he’s gone from Valhalla. What?! Warum? He’s left me because I snore (I do but not that loud – according to Jen – and not all the time. Dammit). He can’t get a good night sleep. I’m panicked.  

This is fixable – REALLY!!! 

I NEED to reunite with the love of my life, the center of my universe.

A Saturday baseball pic from a billion and three years past.

We meet and I plead my case. I tell him we can move – we’ll get a two bedroom and have separate bunks. No big – see?! In the last dream installment he agreed,

PHEW! 

and we went off to find new digs. We gotta leave Valhalla BUT we’ll be together again. YEA!!!

On his last berfday, two years ago

Invariably I rise in a thick emotional soup. Before fully back in Wakey-Wakey World, I’m so damn excited. HE’S BACK! And then I realize it was all a dream. TAB didn’t leave me – he died and ain’t comin’ back. FUCK!!!

I know myself well enough to understand why I’m having these dreams. If something's my fault, boyhowdy, I can fix it. I can make everything all better. Solutions abound!

Yeah but:

 A) TAB’s death was due to ARDS and the big bad cancer rampaging through his system. Not my fault. I was not the cause or spark for either.
B) As talented and resourceful as I am, I can’t fix death. 
FUCK!!!

So, today is my beloved’s birthday. He would’ve been 76. Instead of our usual at-home celebratory bash, Jen, Oni (the kids) and I will go out to our new fave restaurant for din-din. We’ll toast our hero and sing him an off-key Happy Birthday.

And maybe I won’t dream tonight.
Birthday – The Beatles