Side Action

I’m not a doctor nor do I play one on TV BUT I hear things and feel it’s my duty as a fellow human-type to share...and shit..

You’ve, no doubt, all read about the horrific, nasty-ass side effects that Roseanne Barr experienced while taking prescription sleep meds. I'm sure you're all well aware that Ms. Barr was a decidedly open, wonderfully kind, most gentle and refined individual UNTIL she took her doctor’s recommended insomnia antidote.

n.b., the following (AND the preceding!) is a level 11 Snarkathon

The following are some possible side effects to commonly prescribed meds for ordinary ills:

          Sleep:
Ambien — Racism. Extremely boorish, disgustingly crass behavior as well as a profound inability to shut the fuck up have been witnessed in rare cases.
Sonata — leads directly to intolerance for classical music but, MOST especially, that written by deaf musicians. 
Halcion — inspires a pronounced hatred of pastoral, exurban settings.

          Allergy:
Clarinex — a pronounced intolerance for all clarinet music has been noticed in some patients. Debussy’s Premiere Rhapsodie fails to soothe the woodwind rage and Rimsky-Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee has been known to ignite violent frenzies.
Semprex-D — after taking Semprex you MAY feel compelled to join the Marines.
Dymista — has been shown, in taxi dancers, to cause episodes of extreme underpricing for services.

 
          Acne:
Avage — you may beat the spots BUT this med can, possibly, inspire a hum-drumming of your personality. Take it over an extended duration and you may become, sadly, average.
Azelex – while clearing the zits, there have been examples of folks turning into small flowering shrubs.
Retin-A — pronounced desire to become part of Menudo ’s entourage.
 
         Constipation:
Colchicine – not much is known about this one BUT there have been outbreaks of cloisonné-ing in some users.  Delusions of Apache warriorness have also been observed.
Linzess — with this med, you may well become unbound...free as it were, BUT there’s a chance you’ll feel an overwhelming yen for fine Austrian baked goods.
Trulance — little is known about this one but I’ve heard that side-effects can include hyper, injudicious honesty and occasional bellicosity.

Just so ya know, all these symptoms may be spectacularly rare. Fer instance, though there have been incidents of impaired judgment and functioning with Ambien, as Doc Winter said at the trial of someone using Ambien as a defense,

“The pills reveal the kinds of thoughts you are having which you are actively suppressing. The Ambien allows those kinds of thoughts to be expressed.”

So I guess Ambien doesn’t cause racism, huh? It just unmasks the feces brained, mis-enfranchised, crass, half-witted, blundering buffoon within.