The Rose of Jericho

"People pontificate, "Suicide is selfishness." Career churchmen like Pater go a step further and call in a cowardly assault on the living. Oafs argue this specious line for varying reason: to evade fingers of blame, to impress one's audience with one's mental fiber, to vent anger, or just because one lacks the necessary suffering to sympathize. Cowardice is nothing to do with it - suicide takes considerable courage. Japanese have the right idea. No, what's selfish is to demand another to endure an intolerable existence, just to spare families, friends, and enemies a bit of soul-searching."
~ David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

No. I am not feeling suicidal, not contemplating the big self-destruct. I’m just particularly fond of this quote, it’s sentiments. I'm not in any way advocating seppuku BUT, here's the dealio, if we don't own our own lives AND deaths, what's the point of existence?

"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do."
~ Voltaire 

"I've got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts - you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing."
~ D.D. Barant, Dying Bites 
"Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”
~ Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

"There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse."
~ Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes 

"He showed the words “chocolate cake” to a group of Americans and recorded their word associations. “Guilt” was the top response. If that strikes you as unexceptional, consider the response of French eaters to the same prompt: “celebration.”"
~ Michael Pollan, In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto

"But I have my life, I’m living it. It’s twisted, exhausting, uncertain, and full of guilt, but nonetheless, there’s something there."
~Banana Yoshimoto, The Lake 

"The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. It begins to feel uncomfortable not to be depressed. You feel guilty for feeling happy."
~ Pete Wentz

Yeah brother, tell it. In my new friendship with Sky, I’ve rediscovered joy. That oh-so-necessary emotion has been understandably absent since The Amazing Bob’s health shit its final bed and booked off with him to the clouds and beyond, into the ether.

I’m being all mature, cautious even but I AM allowing myself this happiness. Still, I find myself falling into moments where I appear to be grasping after shit to feel bad about. I understand – how can I be happy when TAB’s not here? I feel guilty for feeling this bubbly, hopeful and just a tad giddy anticipation.

And, yeah, I know – when Sky and I are finally live and all in person like, things may not work out as blissfully as hoped, as dreamed. What’s the worst that'll happen though? We’ve found a new, important friend in each other.

This is a lonely life
Sorrows everywhere you turn
And that's worth something
When you think about it
That's worth some money
That's worth something
The Coast – Paul Simon

"If I had known they were going to do this, I would have become a shoemaker."
~ Albert Einstein