Waddyaknow!

On my second night in Oregon, sharing a bed with Ten, I had a dream about The Amazing Bob and me. We were giggling and having the bestest time. He then remembered there was something very important in our bedroom closet that he abso-needed. The closet was a Victorian wardrobe – very Lion, Witch and Wardrobe-y.

He opened the door, stepped inside and the door swung shut. The entire wardrobe, with TAB inside, was then sucked INTO THE WALL. Absorbed without a trace of ever having existed, not even dust bunnies remained

I was beyond freaked and ran to the wall. I clawed at it, looking for a way in, an opening so’s I could pull TAB back into being. In my sleep, I began screaming and then woke. Ten held me close while I came to the knowledge that I’d had a spectacularly nasty nightmare.

What’s it mean? I had this on the second night with my new squeeze – seems related, eh?

Is TAB going to disappear/cease to exist now that I’m molto happily involved with someone new? Yes, I do happen to know that TAB is dead – has been for 802 days now, in fact. But will I lose my cherished memories, his deep significance, those 30 big years of me and him, now that I’m tripping the light fantastic with someone new and awesome?

Ten doesn’t mind that I talk about TAB. I mean, it’s not nonstop but, when we tell each other stories, TAB’s bound to come up. I mean…there were 30 years packed with a ton of bliss, giggles, life and shit, ya know?

"He’s a part of you," sez my new man.

Ten knows. Ten’s wise. Ten reminds me of TAB and that’s AOK and cool.

And I’m insecure. In the day before leaving I could see/feel myself experiencing old, stupid-ass, once crippling fears/insecurities.

He doesn’t really dig me and this’ll never work out because:

• I’m fat and he’s fit
• I’m deaf and he’s not
• I’m tippy as hell and he’s an agile, athletic hiker-type
• I’m fluorescent and he’s more serious
• I’m from Mars by way of Alpha Centauri and he’s from Saturn
• He lives in Oregon and I live in Boston

Hey, here’s a fabtastic good idea – let’s take this one bleedin’, motherfucking step at a damn time! K? Also too, we're lovely creative types – bridges happen.

For right now, it’s fabulous, flattering as hell, inspiring and a wild wonder that Ten likes me. That we stumbled onto each other – that like called to like across the miles and weirdness of the world – is just cool as rainbow colored, talking unicorns and calorie-free, cream cheese frosted carrot cake cuppycakes at a summer picnic on Pluto. Ya know?!

That he and I were both bright enough to pay attention to how we were feeling, that we were brave and open enough (reckless mebbe?) to move, to act says to me one mondo bit (at least). Maturity/evolution happens. We’re gonna walk, not run, into this new world of ours. We’re gonna live in the moments, not put carts before horses and be here now and shit.

We’re gonna keep going.

Whoa babies, second acts happen!