The Return of Eddie Haskell

Slime – separated at birth.

So then, the big, manly, teenage, DOGE dweeb, Eddie Coristine, got, at most, a bloody nose from a 15 year old girl. His big daddy Stinky had to call out the National Guard to protect his pathetic boy OR maybe this was all a big setup, from the get go?

Him and Stinky tried to turn the alleged slap to Eddie’s snout into a whole scenario where there was a violent, wilding gang of ferocious, dangerous, armed criminals, roaming the scary streets of D.C. This imaginary crew of 10 thugs left poor Bitsy Balls bloodied (but, interestingly, not at all bruised and no swelling) and dramatically posed in front of a van with American splashed across the side panel. I wonder if he bought just one16 ounce container of fake blood to get just the right effect or if he purchased two, just in case. Did he have a special effects crew on hand to advise him? Also, wearing the white jeans to make the Perma Blood stand out more ? Very cinematic – nice touch. 

Why am I saying that’s fake blood? Ya see, when blood leaves the safety of our interiors, when it hits oxygen rich environments, it immediately begins to dry and then clot. During this process it quickly changes color, going from bright red to a rusty brown. 

This whole situation stinks. Was the 15 year old paid off in advance to slap Gerbil Balls in the nose just for a bit of verisimilitude. (Hell, I would have done it for free.) And why the big charade? 

Because crime in D.C. is down but Prez Pedo is aching to play strongman/pitiless dictator. He wants to be just like his heroes – Hitler, Netanyahu, Putin, and Kim Jong Un (except for the part where Hitler’s all dead and shit). All Stinky knows is playacting – drama.

I only mention it BUT the cities with the highest total crime rate (per 100,000) in 2024 per sercurity.org are:

1. Memphis, Tennessee
2. Portland, Oregon
3. Detroit, Michigan
4. Seattle, Washington
5. Baltimore, Maryland
6. Denver, Colorado
7. Nashville, Tennessee
8. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 
9. Houston, Texas
10. San Antonio, Texas 

The total crime rate combines violent crime (such as murder, robbery, and assault) with property crime (such as burglary, theft, and motor vehicle theft). (source) 

n.b., D.C. ain’t nowhere on that list. LA, NYC, San Francisco, Chicago, and Boston aren’t on there either.

So our reality TV prez cheaply gins up a ridiculously transparent flimsy excuse to break out the National Guard, more cops. Can the military be far behind?

Lyin’ Leavitt announced yesterday that:

“As part of the president’s massive law enforcement surge, last night approximately 850 officers and agents were surged across the city. They made a total of 23 arrests, including multiple other contacts.” (source)  

A total of 23 arrests. 850 extra added cop types to make 23 measly arrests. On a usual day D.C. make 56 arrests. The total for day one, along with Stinky’s reality TV forces? Around 79. Also, Liar Leavitt sure does like the word "surge." Either she's been reading too much bad porn OR she needs a thesaurus STAT. Maybe both?

I wonder if her number includes the ultra dangerous white boy in the pink polo shirt and cargo shorts who slapped an ICE ass (mislabeled as FBI in the video) in the chest with his foot-long sub sandwich and yelled:

“Fuck you! You fucking fascists! Why are you here? I don’t want you in my city,” minutes before “winding his arm back and forcefully throwing a sub-style sandwich”. (source) 

On Threads someone asked if the dude was caught and arrested. Some of the replies were puntastically groan worthy.

Lettuce wait and see…

It was an assault with a deli weapon.

He was subdued.

He’ll be booked for assault with a breadly weapon.

Oh, are you talking about Hulk Hoagie?

It was subversive.

He was just a hero doing noble work.

Speculation was that the the Hoagie Hero was, more likely than not, drunk as his getaway didn’t seem enthusiastic.

It was the way he just jogged off for me. He didn’t even sprint off, just kinda trotted.

Others felt bad that a, presumably, good sandwich was lost.

Wasting a sandwich hurt my feelings. that sandwich was at least $12.

Same, buddy, same. That’s a lot of money to throw away plus you don’t have your dinner now! Still, Hoagie Man is a hero.

I only mention it but violent crime in D.C. is at a 30 year low right now. That is, if you don’t include the White House (AKA Crime Central) in the mix.