Turn and face the strange

When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.
~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

In losing The Amazing Bob, I find that I've changed. I’m much less social than I was before. I have negative amounts of tolerance for unkindness and, even, simple careless thoughtlessness. Now, maybe this isn’t all because TAB vanished from my world. It could be just plain old aging and the inevitability of personal evolution. I’m becoming who I was always meant to be – a kind but cranky, not terribly social, old oddball.

As Edie Brickell sang, so many years ago, what I am is what I am. I grow more so every day...and shit.

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
~ Lao Tzu

Easier said than done. In this age of Fascism in America where all that is personal has been hacked, attacked and sacked by the Republican/Fascist machine it is an heroic act of survival to stand up straight, talk back, not hide or cower, to be who we really are. Granted, if I was a wealthy, healthy, white, het man (OR Susan Sarandon) I'd have nada to worry about. Me? I'm white and het – that just ain't enough to get me outta this rotting rhubarb patch.

In a future time, when this current crop of criminals and cruel despots are well out of power, we can be all cool, watching the river flow. That time is not now.

I DO imagine that Lao Tzu was speaking of smaller, much more personal type changes. Even so, I want to thoroughly understand ‘the fuck’s goin’ on. I wanna know the whys about everything. Once I’ve got that, I can be (or work toward being) all *ching* I’m cool. Just gonna sit here contemplating the sun as it glints off Coco’s fur.

The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Speaking of snakes, 45 and his Republican/Fascist Party of venomous vipers will never be able to shed their skins or change their logic and fact-free minds. They may never be gone from this planet, (because hatred of the other is a hideous and persistent bug in human software), BUT they will, at least, go into hibernation.

If you love deeply, you're going to get hurt badly. But it's still worth it.
~ C.S. Lewis

Ten will be here in just a few days  Sunday afternoon to be all precise and shit.

A friend of mine was telling me about his new girlfriend’s insecurity and jealousy. I had that problem with TAB – I was obscenely insecure. TAB explained to me that he felt insulted by my jealousy – he felt I didn’t trust him OR understand how he felt about me. The second bit was the true part. I thought so little of myself and SO much of him that I figured he’d bail when the first smart, pretty chica gave him the time of day. I got over it and, to this day, feel bad and embarrassed about my behavior. Guilt – my superpower.
I learned and evolved.

With Ten, jealousy isn’t on the table, even though we’re 3,000 miles apart. Christ almighty, some hot bright babe could swoop right in, whisk him off his feet. I’m not there to defend my territory //snort//. This COULD really happen BUT, I’m just thrilled and surprised that I’ve found someone who gets me and vice versa. If he finds someone else (or someone else finds him), I’ll be mega sad BUT still molto happy for this experience and the time we’ve had together.

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
And so the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
Changes – David Bowie