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| Awwww, how cuuuute – little baby Cerberus! |
No can do. Sure, I can walk BUT I’m not all up with the running, jumping and other pup shenanigans. Me as a dog walker? “C’mon Rover, Moloch, Cthulhu, Abraxas and the rest of you demons, let’s lay in this nice patch of sunny meadow and have a nap.”
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| Bast (DUH!) |
This isn’t a gig – it’s a myth, right up there with the Twelve Labors of Hercules.
Cookie Baker
I’d just consume the product of my efforts and blow up to 200 pounds in the space of a week. Also too, me and kitchen appliances, like ovens, aren’t on speaking terms but you knew that.
Lawyer
I believe “Oh, FUCK you and the sycophant you road in on” are not especially good legal tactics. I could be wrong here.
Political Fact Checker
Right now, in the Age of Republi/Facist “alternative facts”, that’s a full time 24/7 exhausting endeavor. As of July 13th, the Orange Shitstain alone has told 20,000 whoppers. That count does NOT include Moscow Mitch’s lies or the rest of the Party of Overwhelming Deceit (heretofore referred to as the POD People)
BRAVA and BRAVO to the energetic, heroic and persistent folk who nail the POD People’s spewings to the wall every day!
West Coast Logger or Forest Firefighter
I have a friend who was a logger and forest firefighter out in California and Montana. He was part of a helitack crew. Was its das, you ask?
Helitack crews are wildland fire suppression crews specializing in helicopter operations. Helitack firefighters are delivered to fires via helicopter and suppress wildfires with hand tools and chainsaws. Helicopters can be equipped with a bucket or fixed tank to drop water or retardant during firefighting operation. (source)He was being lowered down into the firefight staging area from the whirlybird by rope. It snapped. He fell to the ground and, ass over teakettle, tumbled down the mountain.
Amazingly, he survived but, between hospital, rehab and home recovery, he was out of work for a year.
Yeah, even if I was young and still able to benchpress my own weight, NO fuckin’ way.
Convenience Store Clerk
Are you kidding me? With all the outta control rat-licking Karens (a gender neutral term) populating this sad, banjaxed country AND the utterly pathetic minimum wage pay – NO.
Nurse
Most of the nurses I’ve known have been awesomely in-fucking-credible. Mein gott, I’ve had the comforting services of, seriously now, hundreds of 'em. I know myself and my minuscule levels of patience well though. I may be a wonderfully empathetic chica and totally not squicked out by blood, other bodily effluvia OR innards BUT I just don’t have the patience chops to cut it with a difficult, cranky-ass, entitlement rocking twatzilla (again, gender neutral term). Nope. I'd slap a motherfucker.
Judge
Kind of the same thing as nurse. I can and would listen to both sides carefully and think deeply and openly about all the presented facts BUT, you fuck with me or try some weasel-ass move and I’d be the Red Queen in less than a millisecond.
Evangelical Minister
I’m not into threesomes, pool boys (no offense but y’all are WAY too young), watchers or hypocritical craven shitheels.
What gigs are YOU best or worst suited for?
I put myself through college studying geology. I saw myself working for a multinational oil cartel making lots of moolah. Funny thing though, the oil market crashed just before graduation. The standing joke amongst geologists was "What do you call a geologist? the answer was a waiter. Turned out though I had recently met the woman to which I am still married to forty years later. Went into medical research where I did fairly well. Had two kids who grew into awesome adults. I was happy and satisfied, not for the oily money pile, but for the road last chosen...
ReplyDeleteGeology? Way cool! Before my father became a full time math prof, he taught geology (HS level) and other sciences. A dear friend of mine, now retired, was a geologist in Western PA.
DeleteMed research ALSO WAY cool! Extra special WAY cool! If you're of a mind to write more, I'd love to know more – what kind of research and shit.
Your dad was a math guy! There is a bit of irony in that. Math was my best subject, and one that I had truly considered as a major when in college. I just didn't want to work in an office. As it turned out, I worked in a small laboratory with one to two other researchers. The project that I worked on concerned the development of an implantable glucose sensor for people with diabetes. It was interesting work, except for the animal studies. I never liked that part. We were unable to bring our device to market, although there are a few similar devices available. It took awhile for me to see the bigger picture concerning diabetes. Diabetics, particularly long term ones, generally have difficulties in healing the tissues around any surgical interventions amongst other pathologies. Probably not a good idea to cause a reaction. There are a number of glucose sensor watches available that are safe and fairly effective...
ReplyDeleteFascinating!
DeleteDaddy mostly taught Prob and Stats. Funny thing – I went to the college where he taught and had another teacher for my required 101 class. Dude was out sick one day and my father substituted for him. At first I was all "oh fuck, now I have to pay attention" BUT unlike my regular prof, Daddy made everything interesting – he was psyched about math and teaching and it was utterly infectious.