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Sunday, January 23, 2022


I just got an announcement email about my high school graduating class’s upcoming reunion. No, of course I’m not going.

Why not?

A) Hello, COVID anyone? Omicron may be waning BUT what new variants are waiting in the wings? Also, I went to high school in rural Western Pennsylvania—less than half of the county’s population is vaccinated. Do they mask? I'm not filled with confidence this would be a healthy, safe outting for me.
B) I’d need to fly and, with all the news about brutally stupid, trash-brained, egomaniacal ding-dongs in flight, that ain’t gonna happen. 
C) None of the ‘organized events’ are free—except, possibly, the tour of the high school. So, on top of transportation, hotel and meal costs, add in the price for all activities. KA-CHING!
  • I went to this school for three blindingly long years—I remember what the joint looks like and don’t need or want the free tour.
  • The only other ‘organized event’ that looked vaguely interesting was a wine tasting. I’m on blood thinners now so wine's not a happening thing.
  • The menu for the big, main dinner? 

Cole slaw (Cole slaw?! Why is this even listed, let alone at the top? It’s like announcing parsley as an appetizer)
Tossed garden salad (zzzzz)
Dinner rolls AND buttermilk biscuits with butter honey (butter honey? ‘the hell’s that?)
Roasted chicken with BBQ rub
Slow-roasted BBQ pork shoulder
Oven-roasted Yukon gold potatoes
(because, with rolls AND biscuits, more starch is needed…of course)
Fresh vegetable medley (‘the fuck’s that? Peas and corn with a few carrot slices for extra color?)
Red velvet cake; coffee and iced tea
Obvs, whoever came up with this menu doesn’t know any pescatarians, vegetarians, vegans OR anyone whose palate extends beyond 1970s diner fare.
 While I do dearly love red velvet cake, I'm not traveling a third of the way across the country for it.

D) I'm deaf. I may have mentioned that once or twice before. I won't be able to use my Chrome tablet with Live Transcribe running—too much crosstalk in large groups. So unless folks tippy tap into their tiny phones or know ASL, I'm left out of socializing. Don't mind me, I'm purely ornamental.

E) I only know a few of the people from my graduating class. What this means is that, if I'm not chatting with those three, maybe four, people, all talk is of the politely dull getting-to-know-you variety. Just what I've always wanted—a blind date with 100 people at once.

With all that PLUS the fact that my high school experiences were fraught to say the very least, I just can't imagine going (I'm sure I won't be missed). 'SOK, by the time spring rolls around I'll need to be right here to keep an eye on the tides. Ya know, make sure they go out, come back in and shit.

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