Tell Me a Story: Trigger

No, not the horse.

Do you ever have days or weeks where you’re filled with the tensions, fears and angst that you thought you’d long ago worked through and gotten past? I recently fell into a deep canyon of fear and anxiety, one that I’d spent years climbing out of. What in fuck’s name was I doing back in that scary morass?

A passing wind brought me news of damage being done (and still being done) to people I care about by a clot of assholian vipers (not to diss actual venomous snakes, mind you). Eons ago, I had the distinct misfortune of knowing and being victimized by these same violent, fecal brained blights on humanity. Unsurprisingly, on hearing about the current situation, my bean went all you in danger girl, Danger, Will Robinson, Danger and ESCAPE mode. Trigger alert and shit. I frantically searched my brain for ways that I could protect myself while still offering assistance to the ones currently suffering at said assholian vipers’ hands.

I've, more or less, found a way. Yea me.

Since then, I've calmed the fuck down…mostly. I’m fine—not in any immediate danger. If any shitstorms come my way, I’ll be able to handle them. I’m not 18, without resources and support anymore. AND I didn’t get to be a happy old broad by being helpless, heedless and slow on the uptake. As it turns out, surviving the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to is a bit of a talent and a learnable skill.

By the by, my anxiety riddled, panicked state of mind was the likely root of me inadvertently drowning the house last week. King Crimson’s song Indiscipline just came to mind. Instead of the lyric “I repeat myself when under stress,” I’m hearing "I make boneheaded errors when under stress." Go listen to the tune (if you’ve got functioning ears that is), it’s awesome+.

Okay, now I’ve got Captain Beefheart’s song If You Got Ears playing on the old internal turntable. Not bad—I love both songs.

If I’ve learned nothing else in this life, I’ve come to understand that every-bloody-one of us is or has been, at core, afraid of something and/or someone. Being scared is human and fully understandable. What matters, what gets us to safe harbor is how we deal with our anxiety and tension typhoons.

This is where meditation, aerobic activity, creative pursuits, cats and, if all else fails, one—just one—Sahara dry Sapphire martini comes in. Also importante, brutally honest self awareness and rock solid pragmatic problem solving. Spock was my childhood hero for good reason.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.
~ Marcus Aurelius

Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.
~ C.S. Lewis