Fer instance, this golden harp horseshit? Angels do NOT spend all there time sitting around on poofy, foofy cumulus clouds strumming on fancy, schmancy stringed instruments. No siree, mes amis! First off, dogs and most cats do not have opposable thumbs. This makes playing any human imagined musical instrument pretty much impossible.
What? You didn’t know that all of our good furry friends are actually angels? Do try to keep up, will you?
Other realities of Heaven?
- The air always smells of freshly mown grass, the ocean, vanilla extract and freshly baked bread.
- There’s never a line for the bathroom.
- I have audio again (of course—that’s how I know I’m in paradise) and hear only the music I love. Given my vast, varied tuneage tastes, a lot of territory is covered. In fact, for me, listening to music alone IS Heaven. I’m pretty much all set.
- Time travel exists so I can hurtle back to 1900 and watch Gustav Klimt paint his epic, Medicine (destroyed by retreating Nazis in May of 1945).
- There’s teevee. You can watch anything you want BUT Firefly had 20 seasons (not just one), Angel (which had just found its best groove) had at least one more season and Crazyhead is playing into eternity.
- Nachos are perfect—not too cheesy, NO lettuce, plenty of jalapeños, exquisite hot sauce and zero calories. Also, a proper, ultra dry martini (straight up, one olive) won’t make me drunk. (yes, I'm a wicked lightweight.)
- Language isn’t a barrier to conversation. That is, none of us needs to speak clearly, concisely and all in the same tongue to be understood. In Heaven we sense vibes. We can understand others thoughts, needs, wishes by observing/taking in auras, chi and what-have-you. This eliminates the confusion of, for example, fanny meaning one thing in American English and something quite different in British English.
Hell is, as you’d expect, torture but not because it’s just like some Hieronymus Bosch, Dantean Inferno, Jan van Eyck confabulation.
Nope. Hell is much more akin to the one in Terry Pratchett’s novel Eric.
Eric Thursley visits Hell, which Astfgl, the demon king, has revolutionised. The damned must suffer repeated viewings of other people's holiday slides, elevator music, and the reading aloud of every clause of the 40,000 volumes of health and safety rules. (source)
The place is, by turns, obscenely dull and annoying.
- None of the food is properly seasoned. All the veggies are boiled to death.
- The only available wines are Manischewitz, Liebfraumilch, Cold Duck and, of course, Ripple.
- There’s TV in Hell but they only get one channel. Yes, it’s Fox “News.” Occasionally, if you fix the rabbit ears just right, you can catch reruns of Three’s Company and Eight is Enough. Yeah… Hell.
- There’s internet but it’s a very slow, shrieking dial up which rarely completes connection. Your only choice for web browser is AOL.
- The walls are all painted white or mental institution green and are uninterestingly stained.
- Sports—only Dodge Ball and everyone must play but you’re never on the team with possession of the ball.
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