Realityville

Just FYI, I am not built to survive in the wild. The only reason I’ve lasted so long here in not-the-wild suburbia (okay, Valhalla is just barely suburban and def not so wild) is because there’s a decent bar/restaurant down the street, a packy on the next block and our view is fabulous. Yes, even on rainy days. 

I’d thought, given my tremendously misanthropic nature, that I’d fare better in a house on a quiet street, surrounded by trees, mere steps from the water. Ya know, there's not as many people as in Boston’s crowded Back Bay or Cambridge’s busy Central Square. Ah… no. Apparently my brain doesn’t function along standard logical lines. I know, you’re absolutely stunned. I would be too but, after so many decades of getting to know myself, I’m now used to my myriad inconsistencies.

For that matter, could I survive and thrive wholly on my own? Fuck no! Aside from the fact that I’m not as mobile as I used to be and no longer have a driver’s license, I LOVE living with Ten, Jen, Oni and the cats. We all give each other the space we need AND are present and accounted for as needed.

Sometimes that need is watching Star Trek. Sometimes one of us has to rant or cry. Sometimes we just want to sit in the same room and zone out. We’re a good quartet.

I only mention it but, if not for them, I’d be in a nursing home with strangers who would, most likely, be weird in entirely different, non-complementary ways. I’d have to be diplomatic and friendly 24/7 and we all know those behaviors do NOT come easily for me. In fact, whenever I need to be either, it damn well ought to count as serious exercise. Plus, I must have a nap afterwards.

An aside—how many calories do I burn when I’m nice and gracious and shit? Could this be a new, gangbusters diet plan? Be civilized—shed the pounds!

Back to living off the grid though—obvs that wouldn’t be a happy, successful venture for yurs truly—not in this dimension or any other.

First off, food—jalapeño bagels don’t grow on trees, ya know. Apparently, tacos, saag paneer and spanakopita don’t either. Pad Thai, sushi and General Tso's Tofu? What about spinach and feta calzones? Do bunnies and raccoons make those? Do I need to learn how to speak Grizzly so I can place an order? Are there shops, run by deer, which carry a nice curry? Will Rocky Raccoon share his focaccia. What about his vegan osso buco?

Second, I may occasionally be good company BUT if I’ve only myself to converse with, shit’s gonna get mega boring, mega fast. For that matter, think of the poor wildlife. Fer fuck’s sake. I can just hear the frogs and mice now—“Yes, you’ve told us this carnival story six times already.” “We’ve already heard about your difficult relationship with your mother. The sparrows gossip.” “For the billionth time woman, NO we don’t have wifi out here!”

Third, I don’t even know if cats can live in the wilderness (cats are vital to my survival). I mean, wouldn’t they be considered lunch for a wolf? An appetizer for an eagle? A black bear snack? WHERE do kibble and Fancy Feast even grow?! Also, if I can’t get an internet connection, how the fuck am I gonna watch cat vids all day?!