T-day Thoughts

 It’s Thanksgiving. I figure most of us heard the same absurd myth about the day’s origin. Reality and the fairy tale we were taught are as far apart as the orange cockwomble is from intelligence and sanity.

For us here in Valhalla, today is about good food (PIE!), chilling the fuck out, reading, and maybe watching Alien Resurrection. I’m also attempting a rarity—thinking on/coming up with some of my finer/less embarrassing qualities.

This is what I’ve come up with so far:

1.    With enough motivation, I can not only think outside the box, I think outside this dimensional plane.

2.    I’m sensible about my health. Related, I like cake. Specifically carrot cake. Carrots are vegetables. Therefor, carrot cake is a health food and should be eaten for breakfast and right before bedtime. You know, taken with my morning and nighttime meds increases the healing powers of both organic and inorganic compounds. Right?!

3.    I bathe regularly. That counts as an admirable trait…doesn’t it?!

4.    Though significantly less friendly than in my younger, more able years, I’m now more socially ept than a nine-banded armadillo. Maybe that just depends on the day though. If it’s Monday, the armadillo’s probably more pleasant company.

4b.    Related—I’ve not quite reached the point where, 24/7, I’m telling everyone around me to fuck all the way off. I may be a misanthrope but I’m a cuddly, fucking misanthrope. Okay?

5.    On occasion I do actually shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. This happens slightly more often than Halley’s Comet’s drive-bys. Yeah, yeah, that’s not saying much but it’s something!

Emmmmm, this exercise appears to be more challenging than coming up with my flaws. That's easy!

Possibly one of my better features—I think ahead. I’m a planner. Given this, I’ve naturally been thinking about my post-life wake.

At the after-party (post-death and pre-ash dispersal) I want karaoke with everyone singing my favorite tunes.

• Ten has agreed to perform Jeff Beck’s Shapes of Things.

• I bet I could talk Jen into Belly’s Feed the Tree.

• My sister Celeste might sing Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by the Eurythmics or Mission of Burma’s That’s When I Reach for My Revolver. Maybe BOTH!

• Hillel can belt out Pearl Jam’s Alive.

• Oni might do Paul Simon’s Cool Cool River. His brother could perform Tm Buckley’s Song to the Siren.

• Joe? Baba O’Riley. Definitely Baba O’Riley.

• Della and Martin? They’ll duet on Richard and Linda Thompson’s Wall of Death or Shoot Out the Lights.

• If Kevin flies in from California maybe he’d do Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song or Kashmir.

• Jenny and John could bang out Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping.

• I really think Michal would do regal justice to Chaka Khan’s Tell Me Something Good.

Wait! Who’s gonna do Diamond Dogs and Panic in Detroit? Will there be anyone up for Captain Beefheart covers? I mean, what kind of half-assed funeral doesn’t include Tropical Hotdog Night? Rilly! And what about Morphine? Someone’s go to perform the entirety of Cure for Pain.

Other thoughts for today?

To the best of my recollection, I’ve never finished a tube of lip balm. Somehow they always vanish (into alternate pocket dimensions…duh) before the stick is even half used. Given their annoying disappearing habits, I always have a few spares around—not that I can easily find them when I need them.

Last night, however, the lip balms I’ve stowed in my various hoodies, sweaters, and jackets all decided to meet up on my nightstand. For a party? A reunion? Morale booster outing?  Dunno.

And a recommendation:
Do NOT pop one of your awesome habanero/pineapple gummies right after you’ve brushed your teeth. Why not?

    1.    NOW I have to brush my teeth all over again!
    2.    Antiseptic mouthwash and habanero/pineapple gummies do NOT pair well. Yech! 

Wait a minute…does anyone make habanero/pineapple mouthwash? I’d totally buy it.