So, You Wanna Be Friends

Most of us want/need friends. I sure as hell do. It’s necessary to have one’s needs, wishes, and rules in place though. It’s not enough to just work in the same cube farm, attend the same yoga sessions or take the same classes.

Some of my rules and stipulations:

1) If you make food you are required to share. This especially includes:

• Sweet potato fries
• Cookies (chocolate chip, peanut butter, gingerbread, snicker doodles, ANY kind of frosting filled sandwich cookie, etc.)
• Roasted brussel sprouts
• Falafel
• Black bean burgers
• Spanakopita
• Guacamole
• Spinach and feta scones

…did I mention cookies yet?

2) Must be comfortable with long stretches of hanging out together whilst doing nothing in particular.

3) You need to be in possession of a deep love for our feline overlords or, at least, a finely tuned respect and appreciation.

 4) Having the same taste in books, music, movies or art is not essential but overlaps certainly don’t hurt.  

5) A fully developed creative conversational sense is absolutely necessary.
     Fer instance:

• If you could be a god of something, what would it be? I’d be torn between music and visual arts. Maybe I could be Apollo on even days and Minerva on odd days?

•  You’re starting your adult life over again. This time out you’re financially supported by a wealthy benefactor (with no strings attached). What would you do for work? Me? I’d move to Vermont—maybe just outside Brattleboro—and start an alpaca farm. I’d eventually open a shop where I’d sell alpaca yarn as well as locally created alpaca yarn creations—sweaters, full body suits, spaceships…you know, the usual knit products.

• Remember An Elderly Lady Is Up to No Good by Helene Tursten? If you could, who would you Dexter and why? No, of course we’d never actually do this—that’s not the point. Having an imagination is. 

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.
    ~ Clarence Darrow 

6) Sense of humor—gotta have it. Friends don’t need to be a reincarnation of Robin Williams or Dorothy Parker. It can’t hurt though. If you can’t be funny, be verbally imaginative. 

7) Kindness is required in your honesty. Yes, you can be blunt as fuck without being thoughtless or cruel. Don’t be an empathy devoid dick. 

8) If you vote for anyone in the Republican Party, we’ll never achieve more than a nonviolent, nodding acquaintanceship. Why not? You’ve voted against my ability to exist as a free, equal, human on this Earth. I’m not happy about that to say the very least.

Likewise, if you’re so far Left that you refused to vote for the Black woman because something, something, PALESTINE…come back when you’ve grown up and understand reality more fully. I may fully support your cause of point of view BUT protest votes or not voting have given us four more years of Hell, minimum. Also, you’ve not done the Palestinians or Ukrainians any favors with your purity protest.

 

9) You don’t have to love science fiction but, honestly now, with John Scalzi, Martha Wells, Philip K. Dick, Charlie Jane Anders, Margaret Atwood, Catherynne M. Valente, etc., etc. how could you not?! Okay, we don’t need to read the same books but being able to appreciate (on some level) and discuss each other’s literary indulgences is a good thing.

10) Remembering my birthday isn’t important but my surgical dates are. More precisely, knowing about and acknowledging my battles with this stupid, tumor riddled skin suit is important.

Witty or otherwise fun pre-op encouragement is WAY better than wishing this old, beleaguered broad a happy birthday.

I suppose that's my top ten rules for friends. Whar are yours?