Furiosa

I'm so very, very angry. Aren't we all though.

 It’s not enough that these fuckers should be kicked out of office and have to forfeit ALL their possessions, investments, including every last quarter lost in their sofa cushions. Nope, they need a good dose of humiliation. At least.

I want to watch while Apartheid Clyde’s hair plugs are pulled out with tweezers, individually, while he’s awake...in front of a live broadcast studio audience. I want to see his face when he’s shown evidence that every dime he thought he had is now fully owned by the NAACP, the Thurgood Marshall College Fund, the National Urban League, The WISE Fund, and more. I want him to be diagnosed with an incurable case of azoospermia—the complete absence of swimmers in his jizz. The man, and I use the term loosely, is more of a wonk-ass, bug riddled, test model cyborg, created by a five year old who’s wholly unfamiliar with humans and robots…but I digress. The “man” has already reproduced over-excessively. We can only hope that none of his offspring turn out with any of the characteristics of their sperm donor.

VP Joke Dipshit Bowman (or whatever name he’s using this week) needs to be deposited at the bottom of a deep, long dry well in a ridiculously rural Arizona locale. Why? He can shout for help until he loses his voice – no one will hear him. He should be safe from predators down there and will eventually be found if not missed (presumably, not even by Mrs. Couchfuck). The worst he’ll suffer is dehydration and some embarrassment. He’s used to that though – being an embarrassment, that is.

The tangerine clown? First, he should be gagged and set in an uncomfortable plastic chair in a brightly lit cold room (so he can’t fall asleep). The walls will be a plain, stark white. He’ll be naked, without his customary bad, baggy suit, absurd, orange clown face paint and his hair will be unsculpted and unshellacked. In front of him will be, in semicircular formation, like a choir, every woman he’s ever abused in any way. As a chorus they will recite in clinical detail every crime he’s committed against each one of them. I’m picturing and hearing it as an extended version of the ‘O Fortuna’ movement from Orff’s Carmina Burana. This could conceivably go on forever and be a new, tenth level of Dante's Inferno.

Pat Bagley

The litany of his sins will include wickedly harsh but accurate critiques on each of the bloated, bullying buffoon’s imagined triumphs. Now that I think on it, with the women and girls he exploited, harassed, molested, and badgered all in one place, exposing his imbecility, vanity, and obvious, thuggish insecurity, maybe everyone could have an uproarious laugh. I mean, the emperor really has no clothes (or brains). He’s what we’d get if we crossed Fox Propaganda with Loony Tune cartoon villains. In a sick way, it's hysterical. Sort of puts movies like The Producers, Fargo, Clockwork Orange, Beetlejuice, Pink Flamingos, and Dr. Strangelove in mind, no?

Ya know, given that Depends Donnie doesn’t handle stress well, the room will be equipped with a large drain. The always incontinent one will be placed directly over the hole. Whenever he loses control, tall, ultra intimidating women with fire hoses will come in to hose him down with ice cold water.

After this ordeal is complete, he’ll be herded into a room where the old turd sack will be surrounded by every contractor he’s ever stiffed. We’ll just leave them all alone in there for a few hours.

Randall Enos

Kristi Noem, the pet slaughtering plastic predator is up next. Yeah, ICE Barbie’s in for a treat. We’re gonna undo all her cosmetic “enhancements” sans anesthetics. Lips? Poke a hole in with a bendy straw and attach a sump pump. Same process for the cheeks, eye crease areas, boobs, and whatever else she’s had filled or inflated.

Hair extensions? Yank those motherfuckers out and no more hair dye and makeup for you, Missy! Either it’s seeped in and damaged her brain or she never had one to begin with. I'm leaning toward the latter.

I’d really love for Donnie Dimbulb and his deportation dipshits to take the same naturalization test as the immigrants who want to become full fledged citizens of this broken, violent, bigoted, plutocratic hellhole. Odds are, none of the Idiot Brigade would pass and, boyhowdy, it’s an easy quiz. They don’t even ask you to define habeas corpus which would be a real load off Cosplay Kristi’s nonexistent mind. (Hint, hint, it's not a beach town in Texas, honey.)

So, I'm kind of pissed and I'm not expecting this to let up. Maybe some ice cream and cookies for breakfast would help?