Bat Outta Hell

A friend of mine – I’m NOT sayin’ who – got into a wee fender bender yesterday. Everyone’s fine – no airbags were even deployed. What made this notable were the throwbacks in the other vehicle.

My friend drives an SUV something or other. The other driver was in one of those jacked up, pimped out, four door pickup trucks with a rarely used pristine cargo bed. Yep, a total MAGAt egomobile.

My friend was pulling out of a Dunkin’ parking lot near an intersection when this trump truck screams around the corner like he’s Lieutenant Frank Bullitt being chased by hitmen through the streets of San Francisco. But no. They’re in some South Shore suburb of Boston and dudebro’s driving an oversized blobby white wankpanzer, not a highland green ‘68 Ford Mustang GT Fastback.

My mystery pal had absolutely NO time to stop. One second there was no traffic and she was clear to enter the roadway – next minute NASCAR Neddy’s directly in her path.

💥 BAM 💥

Immediately the, presumable, girlfriend jumps down out of the passenger seat and runs over screaming and berating my friend. NOT asking if she, in the MUCH smaller vehicle, is okay but getting all aggro up in her face.

Bitcholini’s in her mid-40s or thereabouts, dressed like it's the early ‘80s and she's on her way to a New Kids on the Block or a Backstreet Boys concert. We were having a goddamn nor’easter yesterday and she’s decked out in skinny jeans, a spaghetti strapped tank top under a poofy jacket, cropped right under her boobage. She’s sporting wide bleach blonde streaks in her teased, sculpted and sprayed hair. Her and her intense botheration made an...impression.

Next, boyfriend climbs down out of his dick replacement, sees the driver, my chum, is a woman and swaggers over like the tough guy he’s SO not. Not only does he NOT say hello or ask her if she’s alright (and obvs he’s just fine), he pulls a dick move – barks “license and registration” at her like he's some I-got-no-time-for-this-shit harried cop.

Now, the reason my friend was away from work in the middle of the day was because she was driving her husband to pick up his car which had been in the shop for routine maintenance. She’d just dropped him off and called him to let him know about the accident. He zoomed right over.

As soon as friend’s man shows up, Mullet Boy drops the bad, wooden, asshole officer act and starts acting almost human. He stashes his obvs tweaker girlfriend back in the truck while he schmoozes with the other penis owner (versus the person he was in an accident with) until the cops arrive.

When the cops get there the ultra sus ‘80s throwback immediately goes into a whole thing of telling the cops that “This is cut and dry. Black and white.” He then starts pissing and whining about how he JUST bought the wankpanzer and just look at all the damage (a small dent over a rear wheel well – fucking crybaby). BIG victim act. Meanwhile, my friend lost her bumper entirely. (also, her car is new this year as well.)

With the cops present, the creepy white trash stayed in their MAGAt-mobile. Why all of a sudden were they playing it low key? Could there possibly be two pounds of crystal in the glove box and maybe a few unregistered guns under the back seat. It might be inconvenient if the po-po found those when Twatzilla really needs her speedball now!

Maybe NASCAR Ned and Tweaker Tina were speeding around in the middle of an ultra stormy, cold weekday because they had a hot drug delivery to make. There was a major bust of 16 fentanyl and coke dealers in their area last month. I imagine the toxic duo are working overtime to meet the uptick in biz. Just being caring business people, eh?