While Jen was in St. Paul for her nephew’s college graduation she saw a suspicious amount of dogs who were missing one leg. Yes, indeed. In two days she saw three tripod pooches all, specifically, without their back left legs.
What’s up that it was the same limb gone on all three St. Paul dogs? Why this particular leg? Why St. Paul? Why dogs? Seems ultra fishy. Ya know...on top of this, Ten has just now told me that one of our neighborhood dogs is also missing a leg! Something deeply sus is going on. We so need to get to the bottom of this before the entire US canine population is overwhelmed.
Is this the work of some strange religious cult. Do they pay homage to their god(s) with pooch appendages? Obvs this has nothing to do with Anubis. Simply everyone knows that a proper offering to Anubis consists of Ritz crackers and Guinness. DUH! Could it be devotees of the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl? Nah. Not sure but I think Snakey mostly eats people.
Is this something to do with Kristi Noem? I mean, we already know she has an animal killing kink – puppies, goats, horses, god knows what else. Kittens? Fluffy bunnies? Baby ducklings? Could be anything or anyone really. I mean, the woman has no issue with sending innocent people to forced labor prisons in foreign countries, never to live free again – what’s a lost dog limb to her? A hobby? A mid-afternoon wank?
Maybe Bobby Brainworm’s at the heart of this? There’s already photographic evidence of him as he’s about to chomp into a grilled dog carcass in some East Asian forest. He’s got a significant history with roadkill. Maybe the pressure of having to off 340.1 million Americans in Dump’s four short years is getting to him so he’s starting small? He’s just taking left hind legs from midsized midwestern strays…for now. This’ll hold him over until he can start taking out entire county’s worth of children with his obscene anti-science, anti-reality misinformation masquerading as healthcare facts. The delusional old rich boy’s gotta beat his record of 83 dead in Samoa, doesn’t he? People are stupid – I think he’ll have no problem meeting his goal.
What about Beavis and Butthead Trump? Don’t they just love to shoot up animals too? Oh wait, I think they only target tranqed up endangered species who’ve been hogtied and presented to them on a silver platter first. Yep, real macho sportsman these two.
Jen also saw a cat (with all four legs) in St. Paul. Cats are sly, slick, devious, and vastly intelligent. (Certainly smarter than any three trumps put together) Cats are also deeply superstitious and have been known to keep bits of their enemies as talismans to ward off disease, right-wing shock jocks, evil spirits, annoying children (redundant, I know), and servants who neglect to bring treats. So then, while it’s unlikely that cats are stealing dog appendages, we can’t completely rule it out.
At this point the dog leg theft remains a mystery.
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