Don't Panic

Chris Riddell

I’m meeting my new PCP today at 2:30. The primary purpose of the appointment is the persistent off and on (mostly on) swelling and interior numbness in my left ankle, calf, and foot that I’ve been whining about over the past four months.

I’m scared. I’m afraid the new doc’s going to be useless – that is, I'm afraid he won't take this seriously. He'll just hand me a lollipop and tell me to call back in a month is it hasn’t improved. IT’S BEEN FOUR MONTHS ALREADY! I’ve tried giving the old limb a rest in case I just overdid the exercise. I had MRIs to see if there was some fresh or resurgent tumor action going on. My leg strength is fine but that damn ankle keeps blowing up like it wants to be in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

I’m reminding myself here DO NOT PANIC IN ADVANCE. I’m doing myself absolutely ZERO good by anticipating the worst possible outcome. New Guy MAY be perfectly fine. He might be competent, thorough, and a fabulous diagnostician.

An aside: My grandfather, who was a general practitioner in a small town in upstate New York, was known throughout the county as a brill diagnostician.

Okay, I should be not be panicking at all. Panic does not move the ball downfield. Panic does not help me accomplish my goals. My objective, my aim in this case? To find out what the fuck’s up with this swollen ankle action and cure that shit RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. I’m really sick of it getting in the way of my strength and balance rehab exercising routines. How the fuck am I ever gonna reach my goal of rollator-free walking if my left ankle inflates like Donnie Demento’s //shudder// every damn time I do even the slightest amount of cardio? Honestly!

Before I go into see New Guy this afternoon, I need to make an outline of sorts. 

• What’s the main problem – list background information. E.g, NF2. etc. 
• What have I done so far to investigate possible causes. (brain and spine MRIs, new shoes, changing up my exercising routine, etc.)
• How is this effecting my day to day functioning?  (ya know, I never thought I’d ever complain about NOT being able to exercise. I HATE exercise. More than that, I hate not having a choice in whether I can or not.) 
• What do I ultimately want? To find out the root cause and get this fixed.

There – just thinking through this helps to lower the freakout quotient.

A lot of how well this appointment goes depends on whether New Guy has a gigantic ego or not. Also, I need to get past my age bias. From the pics I’ve seen of him on line, he looks younger than Doogie Howser. Given my nonstandard, complicated medical health, his lack of experience is not a big selling point.

I’ve, presumptuously (?), ruled out the neuro issues so all he’s really go to do is order up X-rays or a CAT scan, right? Regarding the NF2 shit – that’s actually a big maybe. I see Doc Plotkin tomorrow. Perhaps, despite the absence of fresh tumor growth, other neuro fuckery is going on. //sigh// 

I really HATE having a byzantine disease. Couldn’t I have something straightforward like that thing you get from typing on the computer too much or the one where you can’t eat food made with wheat or something? Yeah, that'd be much better.

Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly.
~ Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters