Zebras AKA Murder Donkeys

Zebras are rumored to be real assholes. I read this on the internet so it MUST be true.

Let’s consult Herr Google though and get the real skinny.

First off, zebras are obvs closely related to horses. They have a common ancestor, and are in the same genus (Equus) – though I very much doubt they get together for Thanksgiving or have big family reunions

They stand nearly five feet at the shoulder, live in small family groups or herds, are sociable herbivores who breed well in public and live in harmony with their mammalian neighbors, like antelopes and wildebeest. They are even strong enough to carry an adult human on their backs. (source) 

They sound nice, so this is what I’m asking – why weren’t pre-auto humans riding around on zebras as well as horsies? Were they just too flashy? Too much like wearing fluorescent tie dyed stripper togs to Mormon church services on Sunday? They clashed with the rhinestone nuns habit? It would've been akin to wearing a navy blue biz suit to Studio 54 in the ‘70s? It’s just NOT a done thing!?

Nope.

Sharing their habitat with some of the most dangerous predators on earth, including lions and cheetahs, leopards and hyenas natural selection forced African wildlife such as the zebra to evolve clever survival techniques.
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They have evolved superb early-warning mechanisms , such as peripheral vision far superior to other horses. Often bad tempered, they grow increasingly antisocial with age (me too, mes amis, me too) and once they bite, they tend not to let go. A kick from a zebra can kill — and these creatures are responsible for more injuries to American zookeepers each year than any other animal. (source) 

Being assholes may not be especially clever BUT it’s effective and makes a shitload of sense. You’d think that, within the human population, women would have evolved to be terrific jerkwads to men by now (I know I have). In general though, women haven’t. In fact, according to a UN report, one woman or girl is killed every 10 minutes by their intimate partner or a family member. 

Survival’s kind of a big fucking deal, isn’t it? Women – be more like zebras.

Other African herbivores who are all no fucking way are you bipedal types putting us to work? Rhinos and hippos. 

Rhinos weigh over five tons and would make great beasts of burden for farmers OR ridable tanks for battles! Problem, like their striped buds, they’re short-tempered and mercurial. Who knows what’s gonna set them off? Maybe they don’t like the cologne you’re wearing today (even though they were just fine with it yesterday)? 

Hippos – they like nothing more than a pitched battle. They’re the belligerent fuck at the bar who picks a fight because you sat on the stool they thought, mebbe, they’d like to move over to in a minute or so, mebbe. Sure, hippos look all sweet on stage in their tutus and toe shoes but when the curtain comes down? Look out!

Between the zebra's xenomorph-esque bite and its death kick, mayhaps we should unleash a herd in the White House and at Mar-a-Lago? Good idea, no?

Democrats could make the zebra their symbol and then start acting like them. Also a good idea.

Well, she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind that's running 'round
Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams
And-a, fairy tales
(That's all she ever thinks about)
Riding with the wind
~ Jimi Hendrix, Little Wing