Scared Poopless

So I’m 5 years old and starting kindergarten. I am SO fucking psyched, though I don’t think I worded it just that way at 5 in 1963; “I’ll be just like my older sister, just like our neighbor Lydia -- I’ll be a BIG kid now!” is more what I was thinking maybe.

But... and yet... I was in the running for Most Fearful Child EVAH! If I could have hidden behind our stray cat Minnie’s skirts (if, you know, a cat had skirts) I would have. Hell, I could have seriously medaled in the Most Afraid of Her Own Shadow competition.

Kindergarten was way intimidating. For starters, it’s not home. You may have noticed that. Second. mein gott, there are other people there! OK third, and I think you can understand the horror movie aspect, (Fay Wray, Janet Leigh and Jamie Lee Curtis are all in the wings waiting for their cues), the levels of fear this would instill -- NUNS! Not just nuns but nuns in big black habits with those weird, and clearly razor sharp, wimple wings.

Now, so you won’t think that what transpired was all out of the blue, I never got stars on my kindergarten essays, compositions or monographs -- only moons. Only moons. You can well imagine how upsetting, devastating even, this was for a delicate, artistic 5 year old.

So one day, early on, I very much needed to go to the can, man. We were to raise our hands in a certain way, (like cattle I tell ya or was that chattel? I forget now), signaling our need. I was so stunningly afraid of being yelled at that I did not signal. Nope, instead I pooped my pants. Of course.

OK, I pooped my very nice, new white tights, And if a 5 year old could roll her eyes, that is just what I did. My fear and it’s smelly results had an effect on little me. “Christ, it’s just some old broad in a penguin suit -- what can she possibly do? Get a grip!” Yup, my thoughts, more or less, exactly!

Being scared poopless never happened again though there was one or two times where she, yeah I’m takin’ about Sister Heinous Evilness Christina, freaked me out so bad that I went full metal Exorcist and spewed all over my 5 table mates.

They were, naturally, charmed. Of course.