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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Oh, yes I can!

Lately, boosting the old morale has been an obscenely arduous, leaden load. Not sure what's at the root, beyond just the accumulated mass of unhappy, stressful circumstance weighing me down like cement overshoes.

I’m thinking the trigger might possibly be this—The Amazing Bob’s doing GREAT. He’s got more energy, his color’s better, and he's finally gaining weight, he’s sleeping through the night and, boyhowdy, my handsome man’s hair is growing back like mad! Why would this be the trigger you ask? Eh, now that we’re outta the woods and well on Recovery Road, all the stress, fear and nervousness that’d I’d crammed into my Anxiety Closet, has broken free, Mebbe.

I'm fearful, nervous, lacking hope and feeling, generally, failure-esque most of the time now.

You say, take a vaca, Donna! Even just a mini hol would do you up right. Would love to. A few days away wouldn't make everything allllllllll better but it'd be sweet. I can’t just bag out for a long weekend though, letting Jen, Oni and TAB deal with all my responsibilities (AKA cats and cleaning). They’ve got more than enough on their own plates.

Mind you, I could ask for more assists than I do BUT that, in and of itself, is no easy feat. You see, growing up mia madre decreed that I was not to ‘impose’ on anyone. She pronounced this so often, it was a mantra. Asking for help was strictly verboten.

Funnily enough (but not actually), one year, well into my adulthoodedness, Lucy and I were having a heart to heart about her performance as my mother (she brought it up. Honest!). She asked how she could’ve/should’ve been a better ma to me. Straightforward, direct old me said ‘I needed more attention, acceptance and understanding. I needed help and advice, particularly when I was in high school.’ Her reply? ‘You were always such an independent, strong child and others needed me more.’

Yes, she invited my input but wasn’t exactly willing to embrace my response. Also too, me, independent and strong? //snort// Maybe. Relatively speaking. Dunno.

And, HELLO Lu, your edict ‘don’t impose,’ was burned into my brain! Just because I didn’t act out, pulling crazy shit all the damn time doesn’t mean that I hadn’t any needs.

Back to current day—I need to lessen the old stress levels and begin feeling more secure, upbeat, capable and my old worthwhile, wacky self again. I need to not feel like Dudley Also-Ran Stress Monster all the time. How to accomplish this?

1) Ask for help!
It’s OK to do that. No one’s gonna cut me off, boot me to the curb just because I’ve asked. Also too, they can always say no!

2) Take more chances!
For example, after rear ending that poor guy last week (his car had the minor-ist of a  bumper dent and scratch), I’ve been so crazily wired that I wasn’t daring to ride my beloved trike. Warum? In the past, when madly rattled and needing a head-clearing grand old, endorphin inspiring ride, I’ve rolled. Yeah, me and my previous, 40 pound three wheeler went all spiral, causing scrapes, scratches with a side of bruised bones and muscles. Not cool, not cool.

 That was then this is now. Aware of my frame of mind and being extra careful, I’ve gone for two relatively short, easy rides. No roll-age and I felt MAGNIFICENT afterwards!

3) Have faith in myself!
My Helen sparked this. She reminded me that I've piloted her mammoth, Millennium Falcon of a beast around Boston without incident. Recently too! Oh right. I forgot. She allowed that if I can do that, I can surely fly a Chevy Cruze through traffic terrors and claustrophobia inducing parking garages.

I was mega afraid BUT, yesterday, I drove in—93S and the horrific traffic circle at MGH mes amis AND I parked in that awful, cramped underground car park. Successfully too!
I can do this!

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