Magic Pearls and Predatory Charlatans

Apparently we older babes are expected to compete with 21 years olds for the male of our species. At 57 I’m supposed to be just as stunningly awesome as I was on the day I completed my undergrad degree. Huh, interesting. Brains and personality count for nothing and maturity's not beautiful?

Additionally it seems, I’m not allowed to age ANYwhere—not even *ahem* down there. You may’ve heard about Labioplasty and Vaginoplasties before. You know, we of the Vagina American persuasion are supposed to feel all insecure and ashamed of the size and looks of our labia. And those baby chutes? Hoo boy, if a man doesn’t exclaim, MAN yur tight, then, I'm sorry sweeties, we need a little surgical assist. //MAJOR snark!//

I thought all this was an evil fad that went away years ago after smart women AND men exposed this for the obscenely stupid and destructive scam that it is.

Nope. Found this site just yesterday—Cosmetic Surgery of Indianapolis. Sadly, the doc in charge is a woman. She ought to be more reality based and less self hating, eh?

Why would someone want a Vaginoplasty?  Have you ever given birth vaginally? Are you over 45? Does your vaginal area seem looser than it used to, either when you insert a tampon or when you have intercourse? If you answered any or all of those questions with a “yes,” then a vaginoplasty might be right for you.
…
What about Labiaplasty?  You can have labiaplasty at the same time as a Vaginoplasty. A labiaplasty addresses the labia, which, for some women, are overly large or don’t match on both sides.
…
Isn’t this kind of procedure a bit over the top? I mean, who really “needs” something like this?  Truthfully, there’s everything right with feeling beautiful and comfortable all over, including in your vajayjay!

Be that insecure again? No thanks!

So then, I can’t feel beautiful if my left and right sides aren’t exactly the same size? If my labia doesn't look like a lotus blossom I’m deeply flawed? I can’t feel fabulously lovely all over if my twat’s not as tight as when I was in junior high?

ICK! This doc has a seriously warped view of humanity. Sadly, she’s not alone.

A young journo went into a clinic, posing as a sucker looking to be vaginally rejuvenated, to find out if this whole thing is a crock of shit or what.

The doctor was professional, Berliet told ABCNews.com, but after the physical exam, his "pushy" colleague, left alone with Berliet to answer her questions, was "an incredible enthusiast.

"She essentially told me my boyfriend would propose to me after the surgery was done," said Berliet. "If women are at all insecure and go for a consultation, it makes you feel more vulnerable and insecure. The vagina on the charts looked like a porn star."

Asked her thoughts, Dr. Cheryl B. Iglesia, a reconstructive pelvic surgeon and director of the female program at the National Center for Advanced Pelvic Surgery in Washington, D.C allowed that:

Internet pornography and removing pubic hair through Brazilian waxing or shaving give women unrealistic expectations about their bodies -- or what they believe men like or want -- and goes as far as to compare vaginal rejuvenation procedures to "new age female circumcision.”

The holistic health folk have now jumped on the yur-middle-aged-snippa’s-ugly-as-past-sell-by-date-beef-jerky wagon.

US firm called Embrace Pangaea is selling “Herbal Womb Detox Pearls” online, claiming the product "aids to correct" conditions such as endometriosis, ovarian cysts and thrush.

(On) Another package - claims to promote “vaginal tightening”, which it says works by “tightening the womb” so the “vaginal canal will shrink”.

Detox AND shrink the chute? Ya know, putting pearls up the old hooha sounds all sexy, romantic-ish. Are these this like ben wa balls?

Ah no.

Obstetrician-Gynecologist Doctor Jen Gunter has this to say about the magic pearls:

Your uterus and vagina want you to leave them alone.

Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra. They want no real help from you unless there is something wrong and they will tell you there is something wrong by bleeding profusely or itching or cramping badly or producing an odor.

Is it dangerous to stuff a bunch of dead leaves up your clunge?

She explained that the vagina was like “a self-cleaning oven” and putting anything like this in the vagina for long periods of time will increase the likelihood of bad bacteria growing and causing infection.

Sounds like yes to me.

The world (well cosmetics companies and quack medicos) keep telling us that we should be ashamed of our looks. I’m gonna be all radical here and say, and really truly mean this, I’m not ashamed of how I look. I'm 57 and, yep, I look it. I exercise, moisturize, eat right and generally try to take damn good care of this skin sack of mine. I will not fall prey to predatory charlatans whose success depends on how bad they can make me feel. Fuck that and fuck them!

Also too and for what it's worth, the deed's not called bumping uglies for nothin'. N.B., that's plural—uglies—not singular.