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Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Tense and Nervous

It’s days like yesterday that I miss music somethin’ mega fierce.

WHY, why, why, WHY am I so tense and nervous (fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa)?  The worst is done and over. The Amazing Bob’s cancer return is a relative no biggie. (Absolute worst case scenario? He takes magic pills!). At the latest meeting with his awesome heart team (Patricia Jordano and Doug Drachman – an aside, he’s a cutie, n'est-ce pas?) TAB was proclaimed STABLE – YEA! As of this past October, I’m in wait and see mode vis a vis tumor yank-age. Though waiting blows, I'm generally in Stableville too.

So then, what, the fuck's, UP?!

I believe I’ve got one of them tension hangover thingies. I spent the lion’s portion of the winter being strong, supportive, creative, NOT whiney – the freak out monsters were safely stowed in locked closets. I was equanimous even (for me). All this while being scared poopless that the lymphoma encore might be mondo cataclysmic-y. Worry? WORRY!

All that bottled up angst has flooded out now we’re safe and clear.

The meditation schemes I used, more or less, all winter aren’t so much working for me right now. You know – the deep breathing, triking and walking attempts to reach Mushin. I need to add something new and steady to the mix so’s I can reignite the meditation action – bring it back on line.

Actually scheduling it into every day is a start. I’ve been attempting to simply fit it in where and when I could. Not smart as there’s, often, shit getting in the way – housecleaning, laundry, errands, WORK, etc. Yeah, squeezing my efforts to reach a state of no-mindedness into otherwise unoccupied corners and crannies of a busy day/life isn’t a brill recipe for success. Duh.

I am, as much as anyone, the captain of my own damn ship. I can arrange my day such that I go sit on the seawall for 15 minutes of peaceful staring at the waves.  I can pick a time, say 7 AM with a cuppa joe – then I’ve got to be disciplined and really DO IT.

Here’s another thought, maybe I should leave the camera at home. I’ll sit and drink in the waves without trying to capture them, stare up at the puffy sky sheep, the mare's tails,  breathe in the smell of the ocean, the air, grass without any other purpose beyond being here now.

OK,  sometimes I could leave the camera in the house. Really! Honest! This will clearly take some effort.
I'm tense and nervous and I
Can't relax
I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire
Don't touch me I'm a real live wire

Psycho Killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Psycho Killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

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