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Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Digging Out

Yesterday was the 98th day without the love of my life.

I know that I’ve got to feel what I feel. I've got to experience this insane, colossal grief. I can’t move on to the next level, lighten this load, find my joie de vivre again without walking through this desolate chasm of gloom.

There will always be a large Amazing Bob sized hole in my heart. Of course. I know this.

Still, I’m trying to stay busy so that I’m not 24/7 weeping, wailing, gnashing teeth, Eeyore-ing my ass around or dissolving into puddles of suicide contemplation. I know that I can't outrun the pain. That's not what I'm trying to do but painting, taking walks, pic snapping, housecleaning (!!!), cat cosseting and such keep me, just barely, from becoming the fourth Algea.  I need to branch out though – do more.

A friend recommended that I get away – move even. Exit Valhalla? Leave my lovely little painted cottage by the sea? Nope, not gonna happen but a vaca sounds good. Jen and I have a getaway planned for later this month in fact. I could also do more solo travel. Mebbe a week in Edinburgh or Amsterdam? You know, somewhere I’ve been before that feels knowable and safe.

Being more social in general has also been advised. Now, at home, I have Jen and Oni. I see Hillel regularly – Joe too. Felicity and I get together every couple of weeks as well. I do see people but upping the social quotient might be helpful.

I’ve thought about doing more of those MeetUp type groups but they often meet in the evening and I’m a rock solid morning person. By 8 PM I’m watching TV in my cozy chair with Coco or in bed reading with Rocco. Plus, communication-wise, big groups are daunting – whether I’m lipreading or ASL chitchatting, one on one or two or three (max) is my limit. More than that and I'm at sea – utterly overwhelmed.

I’ve found one group that I’m psyched to check out though:
Meet to write in companionable silence
Think of this as a creative mini-retreat. It's designed primarily for writers—of all experience levels, working in any genre. Although we've booked the space for 5 hours, you're welcome to arrive and leave whenever you like. 
Although we'll be in the same large room, we'll be writing in companionable silence, talking only during breaks. If you'd like to have a conversation with someone, you're welcome to step into another room upstairs or head to a nearby coffee shop.
They meet once a month at the Braintree Community Arts Center which is just ten miles down the road from me. The quiet-time scribbling happens from 1PM to 4:30PM after which there’s brief sharing and snacks. This sounds awesome+. The first session I’ll get to will, most likely, be in November. I think I’ll bring a sketch pad too so's I can doodle AND write.

Yup, this could be just the thing.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Hey Wendy! Just sent you an email.

    2. Slight edited original, since I can only delete, not edit:

      Dear Donna, It is high time we go to the next level and meet, that's what I'm thinking anyway. What with 3 ASL classes under my belt, you will have more than enough to do trying to understand my garbled hands and teaching me basic words. My schedule has become awfully complicated since I have to run upta Maine to deal with my mother. Since I do read your words every day, you are in head and heart every day and therefore are a priority for connection.

      My email, which I may edit out from this comment after I receive confirmation from you, is *****dot com / For now, just know that I know you are being hollowed out by TAB's absence. And from what I have learned, you are strong minded and hearted. You are smahht and funny. You actively and purposefully create something everyday. Anything I can do to direct your energies toward these self evident truths, is the least I can do.
      -Wendy,now not in waiting