Yeah, I totes GET that TAB won’t be physically here with me this year. Yes, OF COURSE, my heart's broken into a zillion fucking pieces but no, I DON'T want to do anything different on this big day. Our custom of Chinese food and movies was the most brill thing going. For me, and him too, this was the perfect, low key way to spend the completely overhyped shop-till-you-drop-and-you-BETTER-have-a-happy-as-hell-Charlie Brown/Wonderful Life/Miracle on 34th/Nutcracker day (dammit).
Yeah, we were SO not into that forced joy shit. Mebbe I’ll get outta the house and go see Rogue One or Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them or Doctor Strange OR I’ll stay home and watch Scrooged. TAB and I watched this every year. LOVED it. Carol Kane was our fave. Or I could view Run Lola Run (LOVE this flick!), 13 Rue Madeleine or Zero Dark Thirty. Hells bells, I could watch em all!
And then there’s my pal and fellow Nf2-er Michie up in Maine.
Conversations with Myself. Maybe that will be the title of my book -- if I ever write it. Being deaf for over three decades, I've had a LOT of conversations with myself. (I try to keep them interesting.) Adding a wheelchair to the mix compounds the isolation. And who doesn't experience some loneliness during these oh so happy holidays? We just don't talk about it. But let me be honest: disability is isolating as hell. Woe to the disabled person who isn't blessed with plenty of strength, faith, gratitude, and a wicked sense of humor.She and I both have much which makes us grateful and happy but on this day when we’re all supposed to be bright eyed, jubilant and in the company of AT LEAST one other loved one, life's more of a struggle.
I've made my peace with who and what I am. My only complaint today (apart from not having a dog) is that my tear ducts don't work. Last time I had a good cry was 2009 - when a man I loved told me he couldn't see me again, if you must know. Sometimes you just need to let it all out with tears streaming down your face, and then you feel better. I can't do that.
Okay, buck up Michie! 3 things I'm grateful for right now:
1) Anne Lamott: Her latest book, Small Victories, is wonderful and helping me keep it together.
2) Hank Jost: who will bring me a pastry on his way to work this afternoon. (Sugar! YES!!!)
3) Sandy Asmussen: my friend and neighbor, who will bring her adorable kitten, Jax, over for a visit later today, or soon.
Yes, I could’ve accepted Jen’s lovely offer to spend the day with her and her awesome famiglia. I could tell Helen YES and motor up to Hoosick Falls. There were other gracious invitations too.
Next year will likely be different. Hey, maybe Michie could catch the bus down here for movies and Chinese grub? Maybe I’ll throw a big party complete with mistletoe and stunningly handsome company. Maybe I’ll spend the day in my beautiful, warm, liquid Iceland sanctuary. Could be I’ll spend the day volunteering at a soup kitchen. Who knows? That’s all the way to next year and I never plan that far in advance.
This year though, I want to spend the day at home (or out at a movie palace) doing what TAB and I’ve done for the last 522 years.
It’s my first big holiday season without him, the love of my life, my soulmate.