This may be nothing burger operation – a piffle – but I don’t know that YET. I found out that I’ll be fully asleep for it – none of that twilight anesthetic shit for me! Getting to sleep through the big event is awesome but my anxiety fire just went a little higher. Being knocked out suggests that this is all a bit more serious.
Here in the runup, I’m having sleep issues. Of course I am! As usual, my brain’s throwing up a thousand firewalls to keep fear out or, at least, tamped down. I’m refighting ancient battles, chastising myself for imagined crimes and misdemeanors, fussing about work (the jobs I’ll miss whilst I’m down for the count) and, just generally, beating myself up.
Is this working? FUCK NO! All my distractifying may've kept freak outs and gross nervousoity at bay but I’m not exactly occupying a grand state ‘o’ being. What to do? What to do?
I’m gonna hit the Y on the early side and, hopefully, get a lane in the pool. Swimming my half mile – it’s exercise AND brill meditation. Afterward, I’ll motor down to the fabulous Braintree movie palace and catch the 12:40 show of Ghost in the Shell. Next up, Saint Fratelli’s because CAKE. This is The Amazing Bob’s patented mood lifter and, boyhowdy, he’d want me to have a nice medicinal cuppycake. Naps with Coco and take out Indian fud with Jen and Oni are on today's menu too. Calm – I'll get there. Dammit.
Also too, blogging will, likely, be light this week but do check in. There may be squiggles, doodles and other nonsense happening.
We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.
~ Kurt Vonnegut, If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young
The more ups and downs, the more joy I feel. The greater the fear, the greater the happiness I feel.
~ Jack Kerouac, Big Sur
Of all base passions, fear is the most accursed.