Not Painless

Sunrise: not a rage sparker

I found out. Brian’s death wasn’t suicide. That’s both a big relief and cause for anger.

Yup. A strange reaction (anger versus sad? No, anger+sad) but then:

• I believe we’ve already discovered that I’m a bit odd. So then—appropriate nicht wahr?
• Everything makes me angry at one point or another. OK, nearly everything. The sunrise is rarely a rage sparker.

I think the root of my anger is simply this: Brian’s gone. I'm pissed. Accidents should NOT happen. Dammit.

In any case, I’ve been thinking about suicidal tendencies. Not mine, I haven’t had any since my hearing winked out ten+ years ago. My thought back then, ten years past, after my usual overthinking process, was that offing myself seemed pointless. Yeah, I wouldn’t be deaf anymore BUT I’d be dead. Dead can’t dance (despite the band's claim), paint, trike, play in the clay AND dead can’t go all Saint George and the Dragon. Deaf CAN. See? Nota bene and shit, these are important distinctions between the two.

Yeah, I thought about walking into the sea and not coming back but it seemed like such a nonstarter. Mind, that wasn’t the first time the idea had occurred to me. It was the last though.

Pinot Noir and fish crackers
not a cure-all but a good start

I guess, during the hard times that birthed wishes to seek out la grande mort, my always incipient fury would, faithfully, rise to the top. Ya know, I WILL live through this and I WILL triumph because no piece of used jet excrement, (insert name of tormenter, illness and/or nasty-ass situation) is gettin’ the best of me!

I became determined to, as Courtney Love put it so damn well, Live Through This.

Courtesy of Natasha Tracey here are a few facts about suicide:

Age groups of suicide attempters
    Age 26-35 – 31%
    Age 15-25 – 24%
    Age 36-45 – 22%
    Age 46-96 – 27% (dramatic decrease in numbers after the age of 45)

• Men are up to 17 times more like more likely to commit suicide than women
• Suicide was the tenth leading cause of death in the US in 2007
• Suicide was the third leading cause of death in people aged 15-24 in 2007

The Mayo Clinic has a fine page up, Suicide: What to do when someone is suicidal

When someone says he or she is thinking about suicide, or says things that sound as if the person is considering suicide, it can be very upsetting. You may not be sure what to do to help, whether you should take talk of suicide seriously, or if your intervention might make the situation worse. Taking action is always the best choice. Here's what to do.

Go to the linky and read. We all know someone(s) who’s talked about and/or attempted suicide (maybe even succeeded). I strongly believe that we all have the right to end our own lives if that’s what we really truely want BUT we should help our friends and fam think through the whole biz carefully. Gee...duh...yeah.

After all, death’s a one way trip. It’s all final and shit. This could be the biggest reason I’ve never gone all in. I’m a commitment-phobe don’cha know.
Johnny Mandel—Suicide is Painless