Coming Soon – Paisley Vision!

Before my new lens

After

Yesterday, after a morning spent having exam after test after assessment, I met my cataract surgeon. I was cranky – dilated eyeballs do that to me. Having totally blurred vision (on top of that deafness dealio!) makes me feel insecure, vulnerable and lacking. I rilly don’t like those feelings. They piss me off.

Also too, you have a team of techs holding your head ultra, mega firmly in place while bright colored lights (NOT happy holiday lights!) are flashed in your blinkers for three straight hours and see how cheery you are! Yes, I was def feeling a bit Clockwork Orange-y. Am I now due for a little of the old ultra-violence?

I was doing my level best avoid that – not to take out my fear and anger on the lovely and talented techs. When the first one asked/said “you read lips, right?” TRIGGER! I let fly with a terse “look, lipreading’s not some Jedi magic trick. I’ve just met you so I don’t know how your mouth looks/moves when you speak. I’ll catch some of what you say but not all. Given the nature of this visit, I should catch it all so how ‘bout you open a text doc and key in what you’re saying.” She did and did it with a smile. Yea her.

MUCH nicer with the paisley scrim, no?

I felt bad for my tone. The words I spoke were direct and truthful – not nasty but my tone was a hair’s breadth from “Jane, you ignorant slut” territory. I wondered, had she reignited my, very close to the surface, BIG annoyance with the deaf UNfriendly employees of that overpriced Dublin hotel? Yep.

One thing I didn’t mention in my rant about that joint – the fire alarm went off one night. Naturally, I slept through the claxons and all the evacuation fun. Lucky me, there was no actual fire. False alarm. How did I know anything went down? A note from the management was slipped under my door the the next morning, thanking me for my cooperation and patience etc. I brought it to the front desk people, reminded them that I’m deaf and that, had there been a real fire, I could well have been charbroiled. I was pissed. They looked horrified and chastised as I sternly instructed, “should this happen again someone needs to come in and wake me. I will NOT hear the bells.”

Jen and Hillel to the cookie rescue!

Back in Eye Docville, I managed to reign in my temper and play good doobie patient. Yes, I deserved a cookie. Hell, a few cookies! I made sure to text that to Jen during a break in the action.

Finally, I met Doctor Emma Davies who seems brilliantly competent and has a sense of humor. Fabulous!

I was worn out by this point. Ready to cry too. I know that cataract surgery is, relatively speaking, a nothing burger but I’m still scared. While listening carefully to the good doc’s explanation of what’s to come, I tried to channel The Amazing Bob – how he and I dealt with the slings and arrows, together, over our 30 years together. With creativity and giggles!

My first thought, when she said we needed to discuss lens options, was “can I get one in paisley?” Yes, I asked. Wouldn’t it be cool to see the world through paisley patterned contacts? Doc Davies laughed and allowed that, yes, that would be cool.

So then, I like my surgeon, her team's très cool, calm and able AND, back here in Valhalla, I've got Jen, Oni and Coco who'll see me through all this. Things are gonna be OK. Plus, I've got my not-so-secret weapon – HUMOR – to smooth the ride. Life – if it ain't fun, what's the damn point? Ya know?