It’s Like This

I woke early on Cataract Surgery Day, yesterday, and found myself following the same path The Amazing Bob walked before I brought him in for his varied procedures (including cataract removal). Instead of immediately heading downstairs, I showered, brushed my teeth and dressed. I suppose, having been instructed NOT to eat or drink anything beforehand, I wanted to stay out of the kitchen, away from the coffee pot and breakfast cookies for as long as I could.

I succeeded but, on remembering that this was precisely what TAB had done, a little cloak of sad fell on top of me. Would I shed this before I hit the OR?

Yup, humor seems to be hardwired into my OS.

post surgery/pre-patch removal

When we got to Mass Eye and Ear, my usual ‘terp, Terri, was already in the waiting room. AWESOMENESS. Yes, Jen was there and could ‘terp but Terri keys everything, superhuman fast, into a text doc on a laptop which sits in front of me. It’s like having reality Closed Captioned.  And, oh yeah, this is a service which the hospital offers gratis. Did I mention AWESOMENESS yet?

After all the intake paperwork was completed by the lovely and personable Taurus, we were ushered into one of those little pre-op cubbies where I got to don a sexy johnny and booties. Then, a couple of nurses, Pearl and Ava, came in to quiz and prep me.

Apparently one of the deals is to ask, every ten minutes, what’s your name? what’s your birth date? do you know why you’re here today?

LOOK! I got two eyes again!

What? Do I LOOK like I was dropped on my head this morning? Do I sound like it? OK, OK, quite possibly, yes. Ya see, on meeting Pearl and Ava, I burst out with FUCK! Am I the only person here with a boring-ass 1950s name? I want a cool name too!

And then Tatiana the anesthesiologist came by to meet and greet. Yup, it was clearly time to change my name. I informed Pearl that from then on out my name would be Ruby Ripple and my birth year should be listed as ’68 not ’58. Fuck yeah!

1. Pearl giggled adorably every time I launched an F bomb and, n.b. and shit, that is a verbal comma for me.
2. She ixnayed an immediate name change but said it was OK for me to announce it after surgery.

Terri wrote that Tatiana had a Russian accent so OF COURSE I wanted to know where in Russia, how long has she been in the U.S., why’d she come and had she lived anywhere else besides Boston.

• Moldova. 
• For about 30 years. 
• Russia sucks (she worded that differently). 
• Her and her husband first lived in Michigan. Why? The organization who sponsored them was based there. They came to Boston when her son got into Harvard. He’s now a prof down at Columbia. 
• Oh and she’s thinking her and spouse-man are gonna move to Florida soon.

After I got Tatiana’s tale, I dove into Music Land. Paul Simon’s Cool, Cool River was playing big and loud in my bean. I had Jen pull up the lyrics because, if I can read the words, the song comes in louder. It was at this point that the stylin’ Doc Davies, followed by her two handsome Baby Docs (or “Fellows”) stopped by to say a pre-slice hello. I barely recognized her in scrubs and flats! In any case, I assigned them all homework – find and listen to the tune and then check out Jeff Beck’s album Truth, particularly Shapes of Things and Beck's Bolero. They allowed they would play them in the OR. MORE AWESOMENESS!
My surgical team moved on and I began to get a little antsy – WHEN would I be sedated and WHEN would the main action begin. Yeah, I started threatening everyone – I was gonna start singing I Wanna Be Sedated LOUDLY if they didn’t get the show on the road in short order.

At that point, Tatiana came back around and pumped in the magic. Oh BAY-BEE that was some good shit. I was feeling no pain, no fear and was all focused on the cool psychedelic lozenge images that were playing in my vision field.

So, yeah, that’s how I spent my Tuesday morning. How ‘bout you?