I’ve always heard this/received this as you shouldn’t feel hurt by this because:
A) he’s/she’s just a dick
B) he/she treats everyone like that
C) he/she doesn’t understand why this behavior is bad
OK sure BUT I’m the one being insulted and/or taken advantage of here. I’m the one being treated as sub-human – a rodent, not worthy. Personal or not – it hurts and it's wrong, baby, WRONG-O.
There are wounds which, despite my best efforts to understand, self-heal and purge, burn on. I'm not actively on fire, no. The hurts hide under psychic boulders, jumping out at the most inconvenient moments, triggered by some similar-ish fresh event. The new assault on civilized social intelligence (and MOI) mayn’t be exactly the same as before BUT there’s a whiff of that old smelly-ass rhino shit about them.
At first, I find myself wondering ‘‘the fuck? WHY am I still thinking about that filthy, geedheaded and clueless, ratfucking asshole and the shit he pulled/tried to pull on me?” Then I realize there’s a shadow lurking nearby.
I’m working on this, on myself so that I don’t continue to replay/relive past shit. I don’t wanna carry this shit forever. (Song cue!) Be here now and shit.
Rabid rodentia rarely get a second chance at me. I’ve made exceptions but that’s, now, PAST tense. I’m on the back side of life – I got no time to waste on callous cretinous schmucks.
Getting back to people saying “don’t take it personally” – this has always felt dismissive. As though I’m being told that my feelings are pointless, superfluous. Ya know, because of A, B and/or C (above) there’s no validity to my hurt. OR this means nothing to the advice-giving “friend” – they’ve not been insulted, slammed or taken advantage by my miscreantic ratshit du jour so they’ve no time/interest in my pain. OR this is shorthand for “I’m so sorry this has happened. You did nothing to deserve this.”
Here’s when the phrase is AOK to use – with Vati when he’s having a very bad day. Daddy has lots of bad days. Of course he does. He’s in a nursing home now, having flunked out of home health aids, assisted living and a quasi-nursing facility. He’s in a wheelchair, his hands are crabbed, movement is limited. On top of that, there’s his ongoing struggles with depression – those went through the roof when the love of his life, mia madre, checked out of La Vida Loca Hotel six years ago. He always figured she’d let him croak first. NO FAIRS!
Life is motherfucking hard and shit.
Sometimes the Old Man’s gonna be mega cranky and even assholic. I fucking well would be to if I couldn’t get outta bed or even eat without assistance; if I couldn’t live at home, surrounded by art and cats; if I had no privacy, no ocean, no mobility.
So, some visits are gonna be mondo hard cheese, some will be generally upbeat with just an air of melancholia and some will be ALMOST like old times where we schmooze, tease, go all DaDa-esque in our joking and make weird, fun faces at each other.
That was this past visit. The one before was difficult+.
I saw this sign posted at the nursing home. It was clearly meant for the staff BUT it’s great advice for family too.
10 Tips for Response to Behaviors
- DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY
- Be flexible, patient and calm
- Respond to the emotion, not the behavior
- Don’t argue or try to convince
- Use memory aids
- Acknowledge requests, respond to them
- Look for reasons behind each behavior
- Explore various solutions
- Consult MD to identify any causes related to meds/illness
- Share experiences with co-workers
Here’s another helpful hint – come bearing Tiramisu. Nothing soothes the savage beast quite like coffee soaked ladyfingers with plenty ‘o’ mascarpone cheese and cocoa. Ya know?
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