The Rags

So I was in a heinously long line at the grocery the other day and couldn’t help but notice those vile tabloids on tempting display.

It struck me that they’re the pulp periodical version of high school Mean Girls (owned and run by dicks in expensive suits NOT actual Mean Girls). These trash rags always seem to feature some babe in distress. The less flattering stories are usually about women who've enjoyed a great deal of success AND managed that feat, as much as this sorta thing is possible, on her own terms.

The Enquirer’s front cover blares that a Dying Angie Leaves $116M Fortune to Son Maddox alone, stiffing her other 5 kids.

A) She’s got Bell’s Palsy – HARDLY a fatal condition.
B) Since they got her diagnosis WRONG, I'm not inclined to believe what they report about the details of her will.

 Meanwhile, the U.K.’s Daily Mail, not quite a supermarket rag but close, has a pic of a happy, healthy Jolie having a solo lunch out with son Pax. The mag spoke of her human rights work including the Golden Globe nominated movie she produced and directed of Luong Ung’s memoir, First They Killed My Father.

Britney Spears, according to US mag, is having a “brave battle” of some sort. I suspect their definition of “brave battle” is rather different than yours or mine. In any case, I imagine her millions will come in mega handy with anything she ’s “battling.”

The Enquirer (again) is telling’ me that the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin , who died last year from advanced pancreatic cancer was murdered. I suppose this could be considered true IF I anthropomorphize cancer – cancer as assassin, as killer in the shadows. Yeah, OK.

This could, way charitably, be seen as poetic reporting. Mebbe.

The rich pricks who own/publish this shit are def NOT keen on babes having any sort of power, agency or control. NOPE, you girls gotta stay in your corner of ornamental subservience.

Which brings us to the Good Girls they cover. The rags are always cheering on the very nice, unchallenging young women. Funny how the success these women enjoy is, generally, of a far less threatening variety. The roles they play have nothing to do with having personal power, social activism or politics AND the splash they make is more in a shallow-pond vein.

Fer instance, Jennifer Aniston has always played ditsy or very good girls – NOT women with agency or fight. She also never, ever lets out her opinions on the issues of our day (though she does send checks to a variety of charities.).

Life&Style tells me, using an old pic, that Angie’s ex, Brad, and his first wife Jen are back together and in love. Funny, the LATimes, an actual, credible newspaper, says nothing like that.

People Mag tells me that Jennifer Garner’s “grateful every day.” That’s nice. Who IS this woman? I know, I know, she’s been in a couple movies. Best I can tell, she plays godly babes who pray for miracles for their children  ZZZZZZZZZmondo fuckingZZZZZZZZ. I'll take Malificent, thanks.

Moral of the story? If you want a flattering write up and a decent pic of yourself on the covers of these rags do NOT challenge the white male dominated status quo, do NOT be anything besides a painfully polite and pretty face topping a fit bod and do NOT have anything deeper to say than what a dim Miss America hopeful might spout. Make damn sure you ALWAYS color within the lines!