Useful Beasts

Basilisk
noun 
a legendary reptile reputed to be a serpent king, which was hybrid from a rooster and a serpent, who can cause death with a single glance.

I *think* I want to be a Basilisk when I grow up.

They’re not attractive creatures and, most def, the polar opposite of cuddly but, ya know, that’s not the point. I wanna be intimidating, awe-inspiring with a little pants wettingly frightening thrown in the mix. It’d come in all handy and shit.

According to myth this rooster/serpent hybrid has the ability to kill with a single glance (OR a whiff of its breath. HEY, I can do that already if ya catch me before I’ve brushed and Listerined). Now that I think on it, maybe I don’t want to be inflicting death all willy nilly-like. One inadvertent, stray eyeball and POOF. I could easily lose friends. Not cool, not cool.

Instead, I believe I’d like to have the power to inflict abject penury, critically low self esteem and skin suits covered in warts but only to the to deserving. Yup, I’d start with giving 45, his family, fans and renfields (AKA the Party of Death) a wickedly stern fucking glare.

Death is a much too kind punishment for the lot of them.

        Vinculum
         noun 

        a bond signifying union or unity; tie.
I read this first as “a bond signifying unicorns.” Possibly I need new reading glasses or perhaps no. A connection which manifests as unicorns sounds pretty fabulous.

Supposedly, unicorns have the power to grant wishes to those who are pure of heart. I’d like to know who the judge of heart purity is and what metric he/she/they’re using. I’m pretty fuckin’ pure and I deserve to have my wishes granted. DAMMIT.

All I gotta do now, is find one of these single horned babies. Apparently, I gotta travel to the top of Michigan’s upper peninsula for this. Huh.

If you’re looking to hunt a unicorn, but don’t know where to begin, try Lake Superior State University in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan. Since 1971, the university has issued permits to unicorn questers. Anyone embarking on such a search is advised to carry a flask of cognac and a pair of pinking shears. (source)

A flask of cognac, sure, but what are the pinking shears for? A weapon? I’m NOT gonna threaten the poor beastie! He/she’s not gonna be real keen on granting me a backdoor-less wish if I’m brandishing a sharp pair of pinking shears!

Vinculum. OK, OK…unity’s pretty good too.