Go Your Own Way

I dreamed death. MY, how cheery.

OK, no. This was, more specifically, about the recent one year anniversary of my friend Tom’s death. I was at a party – his widow was there. I bravely approached her. Why did this require courage?

In real life, we were never chums. Neither were we sworn enemies. It was just always abundantly clear to me that she endured, rather than enjoyed, my company. I tried to play nice for Tom’s sake – mostly I just made myself scarce.

Why, in this nocturnal movieola, did I bother to greet her at all? Because I, so very recently, lost my own beloved long-time partner. The first deathiversary is the worst. I wanted to offer solace and commiseration. I wanted to be all palliative and shit.

That had, in fact, been a wish of mine both during Tom’s last months and after he took that last train for the coast. I understand the pain and want to help. Maybe, for me, it feels like one final way of connecting with a pal who, until he met his future wife, was more good, good brother to me than mere friend. I learned so much from him.

Back in the dream, his widow, in polite but def terse tones said, essentially, “thanks but piss off.” I did.

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself.

As if that rough yet civilized rebuff wasn’t enough, the same scene played again with another recently dead friend’s spouse. I’ve always been fond of this woman and thought it was mutual – it is, just not in this DreamWorld.

I’ve GOT to remember that we all grieve differently. We all process pain uniquely. Yes, there’s overlap BUT…grief isn’t like a math problem where two plus two plus five plus nine will always equal 18. Nope.

Tom’s widow is a bit of a bruised introvert and, likely, only wants contact with safe friends and family. Gotta respect that.
 
Mary is/was similar – she retreated into a shell for more than two years after her partner’s death.

Me? I blogged through it all and, for a bit, became more socially outgoing. We all gotta go our own way.