WHY?

Why does anyone stay in a relationship with an abusive partner? Why will someone risk losing all they hold dear, like..say, their children, for a “partner” who’s physically or mentally abusive.

I know, I know…It’s about desperately low self-esteem. It’s about fear – fear of being alone; fear of retaliation; fear of change; fear of losing love (such as it is). It’s about depression and how that can warp your decision making.  It’s about shame – feeling embarrassed, humiliated and somehow responsible for the doled out abuse – not wanting anyone to know that, not only are you IN an abusive relationship, you’ve STAYED despite all the blazing red flags and klaxons.

It can also have roots in alcohol and other drug abuse.

I found out last night that a beloved relation, who’s been off my radar (‘cept for mega brief occasions) for more than a year, is in a physically abusive, scary ass relationship. This affair came immediately after she got out of a marriage that was a rancid honeycomb of emotional and financial abuse. That coupling had followed the physical abuse and neglect she endured as a child.

Her husband had his faults but seemed nice (lazy but not the gaslighting asswipe he really was) and her current abuser appeared to be an improvement over the husband. AT FIRST.

She’s never been in a daily, close quarters, healthy relationship so OF COURSE she doesn’t see all the DANGER WILL ROBINSON signs

Do not be blind in love and try not to suffer in silence.
~ Alba Castillo

Sylvia Von Harden – Otto Dix

 
This loved one of mine is blind and closing herself off from people who want to help.

…survivors of abuse return to their abusive partners an average of seven times before they leave for good.
~~~snip~~~
It’s also important to understand that abusive people are skilled manipulators. After violence or verbal attacks occur, there is often a “honeymoon” period; the abuser may apologize, promise it will never happen again or otherwise appear like a perfect partner for a time. However, this is an abusive tactic meant to keep the victim ensnared in the relationship, and can even make the victim question whether the abuse is really “that bad.” The victim may also believe that if they could just do everything right, their partner would stop the abuse and be that wonderful version of themselves all the time. An abusive partner knows that if they can keep their partner second guessing themselves, they will be less likely to feel empowered to take steps towards leaving. ~~~snip~~~

Remember that you cannot save or “fix” a person and, ultimately, it will be their choice to leave or not. (source) 

It didn’t take me overly long (depending on how we each define long) to recognize the difference between people who tripped my happy trigger and those who are good for me (AND tripped my happy trigger). That’s me though. Plus, I got real lucky – finding The Amazing Bob and then, two years post TAB, Ten. Some folks spend their whole lives looking for the ONE only to come up with victimizers, violators and rancid, weasel piss-brained fuckwads.

I overcame my fear of loneliness when you showed me how lonely I can be when you’re around.
~ Khadidja Megaache, Lurking Shadow

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233

Sometimes you just have to walk away.
Ben Harper – Walk Away