The Name of the Rose

I’ve wanted to have a more zippy, possibly melodic, definitely distinctive handle for a long time now.

Warum?

First, every damn girl baby born in the late 50s, or so it seemed to me, was named Donna, Diane or Debbie. WHAT was this obsession with D names?

And, as long as parental types were stuck on D, why not Deirdre, Daphne or Delilah? Hmmmmmmm? No, I got stuck with Donna. Coulda been worse, Chuck and Lu’s initial idea was “April.” Oh PUH-LEEZE mothafuckers, I am SO not an April. Aprils, for starters, have blond hair, wear pastel colors and paint soft, pretty will-look-great-over-the-couch canvases. Do I look like an April to you, mes amis?

Of the five, count ‘em FIVE, different elementary schools I attended, I was NEVER the singular, distinctive Donna. Not only that but the other Donna’s were usually pretty (versus cute. I could manage “cute”), they were socially ept (as much as any child can be. Me? Charitably speaking I was inelegant) AND these other Donnas weren’t “the new kid.”

It’s a given that any new, awkward and not particularly attractive new kid is everyone’s target for 45-style taunts and abuse. Let’s take gym and dodge ball fer instance. WHO is the sadistic, beetle-headed half-wit who figured THIS was a fun, wholesome game for children to play? All it is, is organized, school sanctioned, scabrous bullying. And yeah, the weird, new kid (AKA yurs truly) is ALWAYS every asshole’s primary target.

But enough about that. I’m here today to get your thoughts on my ideas for a new, more creative, less snoozifying name.

I’ve long wanted my first name to be Ruby, after my grandmother to whom I’ve often been positively compared (by her husband, my grandfather and their two children—Daddy and Mary Ann).

Last name’s a toughy though.

Ruby Ocean? I LOVE the ocean as you’ve likely noticed since I post a water shot in, bare minimum, 75% of my little episodes here. This however strikes ma as a bit twee, like I’m some herbal, New Age, “spiritual,” radical vegan who’s forever evangelizing about maintaining the purity of body and soul. Jesus lavender incense Christ, shut up and eat a Pop Tart already!

 Ruby Poseidon? Yeah, that’s cool, strong and has a decent ring to it BUT Poseidon’s a dude. I have a thing about having my very own name. Yeah, taking a guy’s name gives me the heebie geebies, like I’m now someone’s property. NO, I do NOT judge other women’s choices on this. It’s how I feel, MY preferences NOT necessarily yours. I do me, you do you. Capisce?
And then it came to me...Ruby Godzilla! Why Godzilla? He’s the clearly misunderstood hero of every film bearing his name. Sure, he’s made mistakes, some regrettable choices here and there, stomped on the occasional human but, c’mon now, who hasn’t?! He’s relatable, courageous, ultimately heroic and a damn fine lizard too. He rocks those scales! Honestly, who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a swell beastie?!

Doesn’t this put me in the same spot as taking Poseidon’s name? No, it does not. Ya see, ‘Zilla is a dynamic feminist. How do I know? In Mothra vs. Godzilla they threw down, went to the mat (or Infant Island or the Pacific...I forget) but they were also allies—they had each other’s backs.

Their’s was a meeting of minds, ultimately an equal partnership— they were obvs soulmates. Duh!
Hey, you have your romance movies and I have mine. Live and fucking let live...and shit.

Back to the name thing though, Ruby Godzilla has it all. OK, maybe a middle name would be good. Ruby Q Godzilla. The Q isn’t an initial — it’s the name. Like Q on Star Trek: Next Generation. Honestly, wasn’t he just the coolest villain/ally/plot device?

I’m now trying to convince Ten to change his name too. His first name should be 英雄 (Japanese for Hero because DUH-HUH!). He can choose his own middle name though, personally, I favor Versus. Why? Hero Versus Godzilla? Fuck man, that’s an epic poem on the level of Beowulf or Paradise Lost right there in one simple name. The story of how we as individuals are always at war with ourselves.

Yes I love it. I suspect soon we will be known as Lady and Lord Godzilla, Esquire.

Go go Godzilla, yeah
History shows again and again
How nature points out the folly of men
Godzilla
Blue Öyster Cult  – Godzilla