To correct my childish and obnoxious behavior…OK, OK, slightly ameliorate, to some weensy degree, I’ve made her a list of possibilities from which she can guess. This ALSO gives me the opportunity to put in a last minute rush order should she swoon dreamily over something from the list.
1) An ostrich, maybe two because I wouldn’t want Zelda to get lonely. I believe, given time, Skitter, Coco, Umlaut, Zelda and F. Scott (that’ll be Zelda’s boy-toy’s name) will get on famously. While we don’t have a lot of roaming room here in Valhalla, Zelda and F. Scott could have the side yard as their boudoir and zoom up and down the seawall and beach for exercise. Yes, I believe they’ll be happy here.
2) This
next one would actually be a prezzie for the four of us. A saltwater and
solar fueled eco-warrior submarine. We’ll zip around the ocean
sabotaging drilling operations, banjaxing industrial, bottom trawling
fishers and totally fucking with seafaring polluters.
3) A team of tap dancing tarantulas. While we’re all stuck inside, waiting for the fuckwadian Republican Death Demon to pass over our homes, don’cha think a little entertainment is in order! I hear tell the spiders look RILLY hot in their sequined, spandex outfits and spangly heels.
4) Fuzzy dice earrings because, c’mon, who doesn’t need fuzzy dice earrings?
5) 20 sessions with the world’s only squid therapist. What brand of therapy is this? Well, squid have three hearts, mega complex brains AND some squid are bioluminescent! So, stands to reason that they’d make hella shrinks, right? Doctor Cephalopod must be a great listener, dispensing brill, enlightening (heh, see what I did there?) wisdom.C’mon, you KNOW I’m right!
It’s conceivable that Jen won’t believe that any of these are actually in her holiday gift bag. Hmmph. Maybe I could tell her that I bought enough Valium to get us all through the remaining long months of winter and, more urgently, through the final 31 days and change of Jabba the Criminally Incompetent Moron’s badministration.
