How Do I Know…

that I RILLY need to hurry the fuck up with this recovery shit? That I need to be able to, at the very least, be able to do a few things on my own.

It frustrates the ever livin’ fuck outta me that I can’t do any-damn-thing, which necessitates me getting out of bed, ON MY OWN.

Such as?

• Bathroom action—showers, tooth brushing and the water closet biz.
• Going through my clothes closet and drawers to choose the days sartorial statement. Will I be in tie dye land or old band T-ville? Shorts or yoga pants? SO many choices!
• Looking through my bookshelves for the novel du jour.
• Ambling down two damn steps to mount my chair lift charger.
• Climbing on my motherfucking elliptical.

Jen or Ten need to be there working as ‘spotters’ for all that. I’m more than obscenely grateful they’re here. But still…

I DO have a grabber/reach extender so I can snag shit on nearby shelves or things that have, mebbe, fallen on the floor. Ya know, anything out of easy, arms reach. I also have a sock-puller-on tool and some other doo-dad (I think it, theoretically, helps me pull up my pants). BUT the shit that would get me to the can and back or to my chair lift—my brace, sneaks and walker—Jen and Ten put them well out of even my grabbers grasp. 

Pour quoi? Because I’ll use them. I’ll get up, all on my own, and, quite likely, fall. My leg is still weak as hell despite daily exercises and being almost four months post-surgery.

I’m what they call in the health biz a wicked fall risk—also ‘impulsive’ (I get up without considering the consequences). I think I should be well enough NOW to be more independent. I should be able to successfully do whatever I want. Shit works that way, right?!

Yeah, I’m ALL about that magical thinking shit. Still, there MUST be something I can do on my own. Anything to keep me from feeling utterly helpless. I’ll ask my PTs today. One thought—I can do the bed to wheelchair transfer pretty decently now. If the chair is kept by the bed, I could get over to the drawers, closets and bookshelves (with grabber in tow) without having to stand OR rely on anyone else. Pretty slick, no?

Now the trick, IF the PTs OK this, is getting Ten and Jen to agree. This involves trusting that I won’t take silly, extra risks.

 Ahem. They know me too well. That ain’t gonna happen.

Not doing is not about immobility or giving up in despair. It is first and foremost about being able to be with, to accept fully, what is in this moment.
~ Oriah Dreamer