Eyeballs

Wang Shuangquan

Fucking chemo. My already beleaguered eyes are now drier than ever. I’m using new drops recommended by one of my cornea specialists and having one hell of a time adjusting. With my vision now slightly more fuzzed, my balance—staying upright, being able to get around without the rollator—is thrown off. FUN!

I was beginning to ramble outside without the aid of the walker (for relatively brief stretches with Jen and Ten spotting me) but that’s on hold for the mo. I can still walk just not without some assistance. Three steps forward, two back.

This rehab shit—it's draining and seemingly endless. Every new treatment, procedure or surgery blows a fresh hole in my progress.

1. THIS IS BULLSHIT!
2. I WILL get past this. I'll clear this new bastid hurdle because FUCK THIS FUCKING Nf2!
   

Also too, giving up is not a practical or sensible option.

It’s rainy here in Valhalla today so balance exercises will be done indoors. The challenge will be to not grab on to furniture, walls and grab bars to steady myself. Yes, I will totally snatch on if need be but, part of walking without assistance, is having the confidence that I CAN do it successfully. I'm usually able to correct my trajectory and not go painfully splat. I just need to stop, put my arms up and out at my sides (like I'm walk the high wire) and wait a sec before continuing on my path. Too quickly, I panic and reach for assistance.

He who has health has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.
~ Thomas Carlyle

What utter snot-twaddling, clueless, entitled weasel shit! Yes, my health is crap but my hopes are high, pragmatic and realistic. I know I’ll never hear again but walking a mile (or more) without assistance MAY well be possible. I need to keep on pushing towards that goal. I need to be patient and have faith in my abilities AND continue to find work-arounds.

Fer instance, all the grab bars which Ten installed while I was in hospital have made it so that I don’t need to use my walker indoors. Yes, I’m now attempting to not rely on them so heavily but I’m very glad they’re there.

The recumbent elliptical is great for days when I can’t manage outdoor walkies due to rain, sleet and snow. It’s not ideal by any means—certainly not the same as a good walk BUT it build strength and keeps me going.

Hells bells, I can stand at my easel now and sort out that painting which so badly needs to be reworked. Just the act of being vertical (without toppling over) and performing the movements involved in scribbling on canvas count as rehab exercise. Plus, it’s fun. Bonus!

The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains.
~ Paul Simon