The only thing that got me outta the rack this morning was the full knowledge that my back would start hurting any second if I didn’t get off my ass, put my sneaks on and head downstairs. Also, DAY-UM, I had to brush my teeth. Did you know? My morning breath is more deadly than sarin gas. I’m a real treat and best avoided before 0600 hours.
In any case, I woke up in a cloud of, possibly, unanswerable questions. Here are a few of them:
Q: Live in the now or nah?
A and Q: Sure thing but how long is now?
A2: Both too damn long and too fucking short, all at the most inconvenient turns.
Q: How long is forever?
A but really it’s a retaliatory Q: Don’t you think it’s a wee bit too early to be getting this rat-whizzzingly deep?
Q: Are we there yet?
A: We’re in Schrödinger's reality—still here but also there.
Q: When will I be a mature adult?
A: Odds are…NEVER. It seems the older I get, the more I embrace and celebrate my petty, juvenile, lowbrow nature. Hi, my name is Donna—I’m 64 and I’m okay with groan worthy puns, poop jokes and cold pizza for breakfast. Also, I use the word ‘fuck’ as a verbal comma (as others might use ‘like’ or ‘emmm’) Just deal with it—k?
A: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh that was a good one—lemme just catch my breath here.
The Real A: That’s a big fat négatif, mes amis. Sorry to be Donna Downer but unless you’ve got mad moolah (like Space Karen used to have), reasonable amounts of sanity (unlike the entire batshit GQP), brill health and Jimmy Carter levels of wisdom, (along with alabaster skin), odds are, you’ll wade through at least a few will-I-actually-fucking-survive-this patches during your stay on this fine planet.
Q: Is this the only reality? Are there other dimensions or parallel worlds? Ya know, like in the book series The Long Earth?
A: Who the fuck knows? Sure it’d be cool as fuck to easily step into different universes where, fer instance, I have hearing plus the mobility and dexterity of 20 year old me. In my currently, readily available world that’s not a happening thing. I can dream and dive into those worlds via books and art though.
Alright, can’t put it off anymore. It’s time to jump on the elliptical and build some damn strength.
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