I'm a Helper!

Useful tips and general advice:

1. Stop buying extra, unneeded things online just to get free shipping.

2. Coffee is still in the microwave. Now it’s either scaldingly hot OR cold as ice. Always test before slurping.

3. Reading glasses are, most likely, on top of my head.

4. Cell phone is, undoubtedly, between the sofa cushions.

5. Being deaf doesn’t mean my farts are silent.

6. You can’t win if you don’t play
    i.e. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND EXERCISE! Also, PLAY!
    All work and no play makes Donna a dull old broad.

7. White Fudge Covered Oreos are proof of higher beings' existence (or maybe just beings who are high—like me). Eat one—you’ll see that I’m spot on!

8. Stop dwelling on past mistakes. I’ve learned from most of them and attempted to repair damages where possible. Continuing to beat myself up just wastes time and energy

9. Responding to someone’s rude remark with that devastatingly cutting quip that’s buzzing in my head always works out better in my imagination versus reality.

10. Lowrider by the band War is the perfect meditation song. Yeah, you thought it was Clair de lune or the album Kind of Blue. Nah. Lowrider.

Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip and see
Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip with me

Two phrases I’m sick of:

1) Someone makes a meme. It’s just some simple statement— something obvious. The poster adds the tagline “read that again.”

Why? Did the text change in the millisecond since I first read it? Is the poster assuming I’ve zero reading comprehension? Was the wording tricksy? Do they fancy themselves the reincarnation of Krishnamurti? Maybe Alan Watts? Dear Abby?

2) Do better

What the fuck? I get that the person employing this bit of passive-aggressive tripe feels in some way inconvenienced, wronged or otherwise offended. They’re looking to scold and shame their supposed inferior.

A) It can be used when a person takes off their mask to sneeze or cough in an enclosed space with strangers present. (I know, EWWWWW!) DO BETTER!

B) It can be employed to chastise an airline employee who can’t, for whatever reason, meet your needs fast enough. DO BETTER!

or

C) When someone orders a side of cow, burnt and then pours ketchup on top. DO BETTER!

Do better is ridiculously unspecific. It gives no indication of HOW the “guilty” party can, in fact, do better. There’s no mention of what would be better enough to please the speaker.

More effective responses to the above examples?

A) Cover your mouth and nose when you sneeze/cough—I don’t want to catch whatever germs you’re spewing.

B) If you can’t let me take my wheelchair/walker on board, can you provide an alternative so that I don’t have to crawl to my seat on hands and knees?   

C) Waiter, please move this barbarian to the far corner of the restaurant before I violently vomit on them. Their meal is a crime scene. 

 Saying "do better" is the ultimate in Karen-isms.