Wired for Survival

Skitter—the fierce guardian of Valhalla

I have to take issue with the Cambridge Dictionary’s definition of the verb “forgive.”

: to stop blaming or being mad at someone for something that person has done, or not punish them for something:

Blaming and being mad at someone for their crime or misdemeanor is not the same thing. I can fault a person for their past bad or damaging behaviors but NOT still be actively angry at them. The offender’s actions still exist.

Merriam Webster has a definition I can get behind

: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) :

I was raised Catholic—taught to forgive and forget. As I understood my mother and the nuns, forgive and forget were inextricably interwoven. Forgiveness equaled forgetting as though the violation never happened.

That struck me as foolish and counterproductive. How could I guard against future violations if I simply forgave the malefactor and forgot the damage that was still apparent? This was Disneyesque nonsense.

By the mother and nuns definition, I’m not much of a forgiver. Okay, that’s not true. Forgiveness is situation and player specific though. It depends entirely on how deeply a person has hurt me or someone I love. In general, my response falls into one of the following categories:

1) Not only do I NOT forgive, I cut the offending party out of my life completely. This happens when the perp proves themselves to be dangerous (physically or emotionally) and/or not-at-all-evolved-enough-to-get-on-this-ride. This is reserved for the violent (again, emotionally or physically)—the ex-brother in law (now, happily, dead) who threatened me with a gun, the sibling who threw me across rooms and broke bones, the relative who berated me every damn time I opened my mouth, etc. These fuckers got the real world equivalent of being thrown out the airlock. They, most likely, never even noticed—just found someone else to rage against. No matter, I’m not anyone’s doormat.

2) I don’t so much forgive but I understand that the careless, objectionable words and/or behaviors are an integral, unavoidable part of the person’s personality. I insert distance, set up boundaries but I don’t completely remove them from my playground (perhaps it’s a long term acquaintance or the spouse of a friend and the airlock feels like overkill). This most often applies to folks who suffer from main character syndrome—they make everything all about themselves even when it’s happening to ME. e.g., the friend who, shortly after I lost all my hearing, said they felt like they were the one with the tragic disability (not me) all because I couldn’t easily read their lips and writing down what they wanted to say was considered burdensome. 

3) I forgive but consider how or if their words/behaviors will or should alter the ongoing friendship. A revised friendship landscape plays out. One where I maybe trust a little less, am a bit wary but still care about the person. I’d still invite them to house parties and dinners. Perhaps there’s just conversation topics and situations we now need to avoid.

4) I just fucking forgive because the incident wasn’t that big a deal AND I’ve certainly been the unintentional, inadvertent, clueless asshole at times too.

On the larger, more damaging transgression front, resentment and anger cools but there’s no forgetting. That’s not something I plan—I’m just wired for survival.