The Iceman Approaches

To snowbird or not to snowbird—that’s not really the question.

I’m more cold this almost-winter than ever before. I’m not getting enough exercise because…because it’s fucking cold out, that's why. There’s snow in the forecast for later this week and I’m dreading this. I miss the leaves on the trees. It’s either depressingly grey or blindingly bright out—how about some nice partly cloudy, hmmmmm?

So, why not do the snowbird thing?

If we go South for a few months I’ll be too far away from MGH and my neurological pit crew. Given my egregiously crap health, that’s a bad idea. Sure, there are docs in Palm Beach but it’s fucking Palm Beach. Do they even have neurologists or talented neurosurgeons there? It’s far more likely I’d find a gold Rolexed plastic surgeon than any other sort of medical professional.

If we go to Florida, we’re pumping bucks into that corrupt, aspiring autocrat clown DeSantis’s regime. Yeah, his campaign’s falling apart and he’ll never be slurping pudding off his fingers (or engaging in any other food consumption crimes) in the White House. Still, I’d like to keep a good half continent between me and him and his rapist GQP party chair.

Florida’s not safe.

Florida has a violent crime rate of 383.6 per 100,000 people, with a total of 83,368 incidents. The state's high population and high levels of poverty and unemployment have contributed to its high crime rate. Additionally, the state's location as a major drug trafficking corridor has led to increased levels of drug-related crime. (source)

The whole insane Florida man thing is such a big fucking deal that it’s now in the dictionary!

Florida man is a generic descriptor for a person who commits bizarre or idiotic crimes, popularly associated with—and often reported in—Florida. (source)

A 78-year-old Florida man murdered his wife of 52 years last Monday because she wouldn't cook him a hamburger, say police.  (source)

Florida man busted for allegedly performing back-alley butt injections that involved needles, bootleg silicone and super glue (source)

A Miami police officer shot Rudy Eugene Saturday after repeated pleas for him stop eating another man's face. His demands were met with only growls. (source)

While the odds of getting ripped off or violently fucked up in Florida aren’t as bad as in Alaska or Tennessee, compared to my home state of Massachusetts, the place is not a good risk.

Final reason for not snowbirding? I can’t afford it. What can I afford? THAT, mes amis, is the question.

I can afford wool pants, a more toasty sweater, a fleece lined hoody and maybe a new pair of Nikes. I don’t even need to go to the mall (amongst the maskless, potentially COVID carrying masses), I can sit at home, Cake at my side, advising me, while I bolster my winter wardrobe.

Yeah, best to do that AND sign up for winter workouts at the Y before the snow arrives.