Three Handy Dandy Customer Service Tips

Now that the vile, barbaric, misguided, miscreant bombers have been nailed, we return you to our regularly scheduled kvetch fest.

Here are a few tips for anyone and everyone who works with the public.

1) If your job involves talking with customers, on the phone or face to face, put on a goddamned happy fucking face! No you don’t have to be all Bozo the Clown on Maui Wowie. No one expects that but, please bitch, do NOT be curt, disdainful and dismissive with me. Do NOT cut me off when I’m trying to tell you why I’ve darkened the door of your otherwise fine-ish establishment.

My purchase helps pay your salary. Try to keep that in mind, K?

Do you find yourself unable to control your emotions? Can’t keep your irritability to yourself or at least at a dull, civil simmer? Unable to put aside your anger at something harsh your spouse said before you left for work? Can’t deal with the fast paced, demanding environment? Your boss is making the monster in Alien seem like your sweet, cookie baking Aunt Bess? The last person you assisted crapped in your Hazelnut Macchiato? 

We all have bad days but do NOT make your unhappiness and irritation my problem unless I've given you an engraved invitation!

2) If you find yourself suffering from rampant diarrhea of the limbic system, do yourself, your employers, employees and the public a favor -- get into another line of work. Can’t find work that shields you from us horrid, dreadful masses? I hear tell that Xanax works a treat. Might wanna check in with your primary care doc on that.

Also too, just to be really, wicked clear, NO I do not take your presumptuous, rude, cranky-ass, utterly self indulgent and temper tantrum-y behavior personally. Please, mon ami -- miles beside the point much?

What I most emphatically object to is having to be exposed to your I’m-having-a-bad-day/life-and-want-everyone-to-know-it performance. Life’s too damned short for that excrement.

3) At some point in your customer service career you will wait on someone who’s blind or deaf. Be ready to meet us half way on the communication front.

When I open with ‘I’m deaf but if you speak slowly maybe I can read your lips,’ do NOT turn your head away from me, so I can’t see your lips, and continue to speak. Also, try to refrain from understanding my request/direction as an invitation to break into verbal wind sprints.

Miaow

If I can’t see your lips and you choose to ignore what I’ve JUST TOLD YOU, hell baby, I’m not going to understand a thing you said and you’ve just lost a customer.

Deaf here NOT a doormat. It’s part of your job description to help all customers not treat us like undeserving, filthy peasants.

And that dye job? Looks like it was prolly expensive but, dearie, you’re a little too advanced in years and a shade too chubby to rock the tousled honey blonde, Meg Ryan ‘do. Leave that to the 50 and under crowd. It’s just embarrassing on someone our age.

To be utterly fair, all the other worker bees at the For Eyes in South Weymouth, Massachusetts were friendly, personable, patient and professional. Truly fab. But there’s only two others who normally wait on the public. The odds of having this Diva wannabe as my ‘service rep’ are unfortunately high.

I usually go to the branch in Harvard Square but, with Monday ’s big booms, I thought I’d stay here on the south shore.

The crowds on the subway would’ve been less stressful.